When You Least Expect It

photo from mtv.com

This week's episode picks up right where last week's left off as an anxiety-riddled Heidi paces the Hillside Villas apartment. Lauren takes a break from working on her birthday list to ask Heidi how work was. Heidi sighs and spills the whole story about having been dizzy and nauseous and admits to taking a pregnancy test, which (fortunately) turned out to be negative. Lauren seems a little hurt that Heidi didn't confide in her, but Heidi explains to Lauren the whole situation was making her so sick and stressed she couldn't talk about it to anyone. Lauren tells Heidi "I'm here to talk-and I won't cheat on you". (Unlike that pompous, bullshitting fuckwit of a boyfriend of yours who feeds you lies like they are daily recommended servings of fruits and vegetables).

At Bolthouse, Heidi calls Spencer, who CHEESILY answers his phone with "What a pleasant little surprise". Ew...he's just so gross. The mere sound of his sick, smarmy voice makes me want to let the earwax accumulate until it completely seals off my eardrums from the outside world (which is a pretty serious insult coming from a person who generally goes through about 10 Q-tips a day). Seriously Heidi, you're so cute, WTF!?! Heidi tells Spencer she needs to talk and asks if he can stop by her office. Spencer asks if everything is OK and Heidi sinisterly tells him to meet her in the back alley.

Meanwhile over at Teen Vogue, Lisa Love has a new assignment for Lauren and Whitney. The girls are to help prep a fashion show for "fabulous" bathing suit designer Ashley Paige, who also just happens to be a close personal friend of upper echelon Vogue editor, Amy Astley. Lisa wants both Lauren and Whitney to be there, but Whitney has school that day. Whitney promises she will get there as soon as she can, but a lot of the responsibility is going to fall on Lauren's pretty little shoulders. Lisa Love tells Lauren she will be representing Teen Vogue and asks Lauren if she thinks she is cable of doing the show on her own. Lauren says she can. Lisa tells Lauren it is VERY important that she come through. Subtext: You're already on my shit list, so do NOT fuck this up, intern!

Back at Bolthouse, Spencer pulls up to the illustrious back alley of Bolthouse in his (very undeserved) BMW. Heidi gets in his car as Spencer says hello and asks her what's up with "the whole serious aura" (insert eye rolling here). Heidi sort of alludes the fact that she might be pregnant, telling Spencer about how she's been feeling dizzy and nauseous and it's been hard because she likes him and isn't really sure how he feels about her. After looking like he just shit a brick the size of Puff Daddy's ego, Spencer tells Heidi he "way more than [likes]" her. After this confirmation of his emotions, Heidi tells Spencer she took a pregnancy test and (loaded pause) she's not pregnant. Spencer is a little pissed that Heidi let him twist in the wind and think he'd knocked her up. Now normally, I'm not one for toying with people's emotions or tricking them to see how they react to situations, but Spencer deserves every ounce of bad karma he gets! If I were Heidi, I'd of told that asshole I WAS pregnant and then taken the "abortion" money to buy myself a sweet new handbag.

Post pregnancy-scare, Spencer and Heidi's conversation becomes one of those awkward sort of "where is this going?" talks that you never really want to be involved in yourself, let alone witness other people having. Spencer basically says Heidi should not be worried about Audrina, who he describes as "out of her mind". He blatantly lies about how he NEVER tried to hook-up with Audrina. Um, excuse me...what about when you tried to hook-up with Audrina RIGHT IN FRONT OF HEIDI at the Area opening LAST WEEK? What the fuck is wrong with you Spencer!?! Is senility/short-term memory loss just another one of your many, many flaws? Spencer lamely argues that the fact he is discussing the pregnancy test with Heidi is somehow indicative that he isn't dating or even thinking about other girls. Whatever, Spencer. I HATE you. Heidi says she needs to get back to work, (unlike Spencer who is evidently a professional trust fund baby). Spencer asks Heidi where they stand and she tells him she will call him later. Like the scum-sucking emotional blackmailer he is, Spencer says "I hope I have my phone with me when you call". Heidi says "You will". Spencer half-jokes that everything in their "relationship" is going to be a test from now on. Heidi says that she "passed [her] test". OMG, Heidi, get out of the car and never look back! As Heidi heads back to Bolthouse, Spencer speeds off to commercial break.

Back from break, it's morning at Hillside Villas. A cheery Heidi is in the kitchen making Lauren some tea. Heidi recaps how she told Spencer about the pregnancy scare and how he reacted the "right" way. Lauren casually observes she doesn't know if there is a "right way" to react to something like that. Segue into Heidi playing (a kind of annoying) Cupid, telling Lauren she should totally go on a date with Spencer's BFF, Brody Jenner. In a glimpse of the old L.C. we haven't seen in so long, Lauren exclaims "Heidi, he's been touched by Kristin [Cavallari], so he's tainted". Heidi says Brody was asking about Lauren and seemed interested. Lauren asks if he is currently single. When Heidi confirms BJ's bachelorhood, Lauren looks excited, but says to tell him she'll "take a raincheck for now". Heidi says "you can tell him yourself when he calls you". Lauren is understandably irritated and tells Heidi "you can't just give out my number to guys". Heidi defends herself by saying Brody is "not just a guy, he is Spencer's best friend". If it is true that you can judge a person by their friends, this is REALLY not a good sales pitch. Lauren splits for work with a warning to Heidi not to give her number out to anyone else.

Lauren reports for duty at the Ashley Paige store in Hollywood to find the store, the designer, and all her assistants in a frenetic state of utter chaos. Ashley Paige busts into the scene like a fucking nightmare, looking like she hasn't slept since 1982 and barking orders at everyone with the ferocity of a German Shepherd on uppers. Lauren is immediately assigned to phone duty while Ashley Paige announces "interns never know how to answer phones, it's ridiculous". Bitch. Lauren is then given the tres important task of digging the wick out of a "magic money" candle Ashley Paige has apparenly come to rely on for all her financial needs. Lady, are you sure you didn't have a magic mushroom omelet for breakfast, cause you're trippin'! On the verge of an aneurism, Ashley Paige bitches Lauren out for not wearing a watch and demands to know how she ever knows what time it is without one. Hello? Clocks, cell phones, the radio...get with 2007 Ashley! I hope for your sake that your bathing suits aren't as behind the times as you are, or we might be seeing swim dresses with matching bloomers on that runway. Ashley Paige then turns her wrath from the interns to the models, shouting "look at the models just sitting around waiting, must be nice to be so gorgeous you don't have to work. Us ugly people have to bust our asses". Damn, that mushroom omelet must have come with an extra side of BITTER. Lauren gets props for the miraculous feat of finding the wick in the money candle. The ball of nerves that is Ashley Paige simultaneously inhales and exhales saying "I think I need to throw up". Yeah, me too.

At Hillside Villas, the phone rings in Audrina's apartment. She answers to be greeted (or Velveeta-ed) by Spencer who tells her she's his "favorite person in the world". Spencer told Heidi Audrina was "out of her mind" but I think he's the crazy one. Bi-polar? Schizophrenic? Homeboy needs a psychiatrist, pronto! Spencer then asks Audrina out to dinner. Audrina declines, saying she feels uncomfortable with the situation between her and Heidi and doesn't want to escalate things further. Spencer is close to outrage, practically screaming that Audrina should not feel bad because she has done nothing wrong. In an act of unadulterated AWESOMENESS, Audrina says "Spencer, I've gotta go" and hangs up on his sleazy ass! Yessss!

At the Ashley Paige fashion show, Lauren is backstage prepping the models while taking frazzled, neurotic directions from the designing diva herself. Whitney arrives on the scene and asks Lauren how she can help. Shortly thereafter, Whitney is reprimanded by one of Ashley's uber-gay, ultra-bitchy assistants for not wearing an Ashley Paige t-shirt. OMG, I am soooo glad I don't work in the fashion industry! Lauren's cell phone rings amidst the chaos and she can barely make out that it's Brody Jenner on the other end. She has to abruptly end the call to deal with the show and Brody says he'll give her a call later. The show goes off without a hitch and Ashley jokingly asks Lauren if she can steal her from Lisa.

Later at Hillside Villas, Lauren's phone rings again. Heidi tells Lauren her phone is ringing and answers it "Heidi's Dating Service". It's Mr. Jenner with his second attempt to ask Lauren out. Heidi jokes with him briefly before handing the phone over to Lauren. The two have a short conversation, and despite the fact that he is Spencer's best friend, I have to give Brody props for at least being able to construct sentences with considerable ease, which already makes him a vast improvement over J. Wahl in my book. Plus he is pretty cute. Lauren agrees to have dinner with him the next night.

The next day at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are leaving Lisa Love's office after delivering the morning coffee. Lisa calls Lauren back and amazingly gives her praise for doing such a great job on the Ashley Paige show. Lisa thanks Lauren again and complimentarily notes that production seems to be emerging as one of Lauren's real strengths.

Back at Hillside V, Lauren is getting ready for her date with Brody, while Heidi preps for dinner with Spencer. How can Heidi even eat while sitting across the table from that mug? Spencer is like the result of a freak Weird Science-style accident involving a Ken doll, some Botox and bad photocopies of pictures of Rebecca Romjin. The girls comment on the fact that it is Lauren's first date after her disastrous relationship with Jason...but no pressure or anything.
Brody takes Lauren to Hollywood eatery Social. (I'm not sure it's very cool to take a girl you want to impress to a restaurant that was featured on Top Chef...but I could be wrong). Brody is full of compliments, but manages to deliver them with much more sincerety and much less smarm than his buddy Spencer. He tells Lauren she looks "amazing" and repeatedly tells her how much he likes her smile. The conversation seems to flow pretty effortlessly and by the time the amuse bouche arrives, Lauren and Brody have already said more words to each other than she and Jason did in the course of their entire relationship. The drive back to Hillside Villas is flirtatious and a second date seems in the cards. Brody drops Lauren off and leaves her with a hug and gentlemanly kiss on the cheek. She tells him she will call him soon. Seems like things are finally looking up for Miss Lauren.

Next week: Heidi plans her birthday bash, Spencer is still a fuckwit, Audrina tries to make peace, and Lauren and Brody are sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g…

This episode of The Hills featured music by Garrison Starr.

Out With The Old

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When Trustfund Babies Attack!

Oh J.Wahl!

The following post is brought to you www.perezhilton.com:

Lauren Conrad's ex-boyfriend, Jason Wahler, was arrested in NYC on September 1st at 4:30 AM - the night of the MTV VMAs - and PerezHilton.com has the exclusive details!

The reality TV alum was charged with

- 1 count bribery in the third degree (he tried to pay off the arresting cops)
- 1 count resisting arrest
- 1 count criminal possession of controlled substance in the seventh degree (cocaine)
- 1 count disorderly conduct

Don't Dream It's Over...

Hooray! Entertainment news reports broke last week confirming that the ballad of Jason and Lauren has (finally!) come to an end. And though it is an absolute tragedy that this break-up did not unfold while The Hills cameras were rolling, I am thrilled that the end of the J.Wahl era is upon us at last. The only question is why? Given the several break-up worthy stunts Jason pulled during the first season of The Hills including tantrums, pouting, ultimatums, mood swings, and an apparent refusal to get with in 10 feet of a shower or razor, Lauren had mucho cause for complaint, but steadfastly stood by her man. So whatever Jason did that caused the jellyish placenta that used to be Lauren's spine to re-calcify into a functioning backbone must have been BAD.

Unfortunately, although Lauren kicked his skeezy ass to the beachfront curb, she evidently still feels an obligation to protect Jason from the public backlash (as well as thousands of The Hills fans who'd love to skewer him like a teriyaki shish kabob). In a statement released by her publicist Lauren confirmed the break-up, but did not disclose any details. "Jason and I are no longer together, but out of respect for his privacy I am not going to discuss the details of the breakup". Lauren's silence sent me into speculation frenzy, so I present for your reading enjoyment the Hanging in the Hills theories as to why Lauren and Jason lost that lovin' feeling.

#1-Some Dirty Laundry Forces Jason to Come Clean: Ever the doting girlfriend, Lauren was washing Jason's jeans and cleaning out the pockets when she came across his driver's license. This inadvertent discovery revealed J.Wahl's true identity to be that of one Mr. Stanley Jason Wahlermeiner, a thirty-seven year-old from Duluth, MN. After her shock subsided, Lauren made a photocopy of the license and took it to a private investigator who uncovered that Stanley was the heir to a shower curtain ring manufacturing conglomerate in the Mid-west. Further investigation revealed that in 2002, Stanley had cleared out his trust fund, faked his own death, moved to Orange County and enrolled at Laguna Beach High School under the name of "Jason Wahler" so he could whore around with under-aged girls. In faking his death, Stanley left behind his wife, Sandy and two young daughters Candy and Mandy. A warrant for Stanley's arrest has been issued in Minnesota as a result of the more than $3 million he owes in back child support.

#2-They'll Always Have Paris...Hilton: After foregoing the opportunity of a lifetime to spend the summer in Paris interning for Teen Vogue, Lauren is more than a little disappointed when her and Jason's beachy lovenest becomes the hot hangout for her beau's lame fratboy friends. Instead of enjoying eight weeks of haute couture, Lauren is subjected to eight weeks of serving up hot wings to a bunch of drunk-ass tools who crush beer cans on their heads and treat her like a waitress at Hooters. In order to cheer her up, Jason tells Lauren he is planning a romantic week for them in Paris. They drive to LAX where they hop a flight to...Las Vegas, where Jason has booked a suite at the Paris Hotel and Casino. After 3 days of sitting around their room watching movies and looking miserable, Lauren decides to do some shopping at Las Vegas' fabulous high-end retail stores. In an effort to spice things up, Lauren picks up a show girl costume to surprise Jason later that night. Everything goes awry when Lauren returns to the suite to find J. Wahl mounting an S & M clad Paris Hilton from behind as they watch her much-publicized sex tape One Night in Paris. Jason screams "I know you love my doggy style!" while slapping Paris' mystically tanned ass. Poor Lauren, but then again, we always knew Jason was a real dog.

#3-Porn Puppet: Since Jordan is still clinically depressed over his break-up with Heidi, Jason and Brian decide he needs an emergency guys' night out to get him back on his feet. The trio parties at The Standard Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. About seventeen shots later, the guys lose their way and end up on Olvera Street where Jason, who as it turns out, has a detachable penis, comes down with a case of the drunk munchies and trades his most active appendage for 3 taquitos. The taquito vendor in turn sells the penis to a marionette maker who decorates it with two button eyes, a handlebar mustache, and dresses it in a mariachi outfit complete with sequined sombrero. The next morning, Jason awakens in want of some a.m. nookie. He rolls over on Lauren and says "Hey baby, say hello to my little friend", as he reaches into his boxers to find-much to his horror-nothing is there. Lauren screams, aghast at the sight of her man sans package. It's all very disorienting and Silence of the Lambs. Jason immediately returns to Olvera Street to find his missing piece. After much fruitless searching he recognizes his penis, in all its mariachi glory, performing in a puppet show in front of the El Paseo Inn. Jason violently rips the puppet from the puppeteer, knocking over the stage and causing several of the children watching the show to burst into tears. In his urgency to be reunited with his manhood, Jason pulls down his pants for reattachment and is subsequently arrested for indecent exposure. As part of his sentence, Jason is required to register as a sex offender wherever he lives for the rest of his life. News of the incident reaches the Laguna Beach press and one of Lauren's dad's real estate development deals is seriously jeopardized. Mr. Conrad threatens to cut Lauren off unless she cuts all ties to Jason.

#4-Man-age a Trois: Lauren is some what alarmed when she finds a copy of Cock-a-doodle Dudes 7 in Jason's sock drawer, but believes him when he tells her it was just a gag gift from a friend. Because, really, have you ever met a gay man as un-fabulous, un-groomed, and un-stylish as Jason? Didn't think so, me neither. However, after being caught packing gay porn, Jason seems increasingly desperate to prove his virile heterosexuality and starts blatantly ogling and flirting with every woman in sight, even right in front of Lauren, who retaliates only by pouting and saying it "makes [her] sad". Finally, Lauren's doormat capacity reaches its threshold and she goes on vacay to Cabo San Lucas with her BFF Heidi to get her head straight and figure out what to do. After a week of margaritas, sunshine and some poolside flirting of her own, Lauren is ready to head back home and give Jason another chance. Unfortunately, she is able to board a plane that takes off 3 hours earlier than her originally scheduled flight. She enters the house she and Jason rented for the summer to find her naked boyfriend engaged in a man-wich with her former flame Stephen Colletti and fellow Laguna Beach alum Talan Torriero. As Lauren turns to rush from the house, she slips on a puddle of KY Jelly and fractures her pelvis when she lands on the hard marble floor. Lauren promptly moves back in with Heidi and swears off men until she is in her thirties. Though she has repaired her relationships with Stephen and Talan, she and Jason no longer speak.

#5-Reality TV Revelation: After watching herself devolve from a cute, sophisticated, likeable girl to a dull, uncharismatic, quivering mass of insecurity throughout the course of the first season of The Hills, Lauren is horrified and quite embarrassed. She briefly contemplates suicide, or even worse, a return to (relative) anonymity out of the sphere of reality television. However, after careful analysis she realizes the cause of her downfall is Jason. She promptly breaks up with him and begins gearing up for season two of The Hills, determined to restore her public image. Jason does not handle the break-up well, first throwing a full-blown tantrum and then stalking Lauren just about everywhere she goes. After Lauren files a restraining order, Jason returns to Orange County and starts dating several of the cast members of season three of Laguna Beach in order to continue his tenure as a reality TV "star". Jason is currently scheduled to appear on the cover of the October issue of Teen Beat magazine and begins filming the made-for-TV movie, Saved by the Bell: Back to Bayside, this fall.

Timing is Everything

The finale, like the rest of the season, was a bit of a disappointment. Kind of like buying a fabulous Gucci "inspired" bag for $300 on-line and ending up with a crappy pleather clutch that looks like you bought it during a BOGO sale at Payless. The episode opens with teen wolfman, or rather wolfboy/millionaire Jason inviting Lauren over to his $30,000-a-month beachfront Malibu rental. He tells Lauren he wants to have a chill summer with just the two of them so they can recuperate from their "crazy" year. Yeah, poor Jason, your life is just so hard. Not working, golfing with your buddies all day, partying all night and being constantly showered with gifts you don't deserve courtesy of your doormat girlfriend's rich daddy must really take its toll on a person. But I guess life would get sort of exhausting going through it as such a verbally deficient, emotionally stunted, hygienically-challenged tool. Now Jason and Lauren will be free to spend the entire summer staring at each other in awkward silence broken only their lively debates about what they want to do which will inevitably conclude with the couple renting a video from the Malibu Blockbuster and which they will watch while lying on the couch looking the very definition of the word of "misery". How fun!

The next day at Teen Vogue, Lisa Love informs Lauren and Whitney that it is L.A. Fashion Week, and the next few days are going to be a tres busy time for the magazine. (Am I crazy or do I spy an editing faux paux? I could have sworn it was L.A. Fashion Week about 4 episodes back--get your timeline straight MTV!) Whitney is assigned to be at the beck and call of a Teen Vogue editor from New York while Lauren is put under the charge of Editor-In-Chief Amy Astley. Everyone is buzzing about tickets to the "Jennifer Nicholson" show, including Heidi's boss, Brent Bolthouse who hooks her and Audrina up with a pair. All I can think is who the fuck is Jennifer Nicholson? I assume she is some borderline famous pop tart MTV is weaving into The Hills in preparation for a Cheyenne-style spin-off, when it dawns on me they are talking about a fashion show, not a music show. Oops! Now I recall, Jennifer Nicholson is the daughter of none other than film legend Jack "I date anorexic teenagers" Nicholson. Evidently, having a father who is a film or music icon automatically validates one's status as a haute couture "it" girl. Fuck you, Stella McCartney and your $180 sports bras!

The night of the big show arrives and Lauren meets Lisa Love and Amy Astley at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel, where Lauren is given the mission impossible of rounding up two more tickets to the totally sold-out event. Lauren looks understandably freaked out and calls Whitney in a state of utter panic.

Meanwhile, at Smashbox Studios, where the show is being held, Lauren comes face to face with Kelly Cutrone, a brillopad-headed breed of megabitch so vicious Lisa Love seems like Katie fucking Couric by comparison. Kelly practically bites Lauren's head off and tells her she simply cannot get tickets unless Lauren gives her the names of the Vogue editors that the tickets are for. Heidi and Audrina show up as Lauren is near tears. Lauren repeatedly calls Lisa Love to get the required names, but is unable to get through. Finally, Lisa calls Lauren back with the names which Lauren, with some difficulty, recalls to Kelly Cunt-rone, who snidely says "you're going to have to be a lot faster than that if you want to work in the fashion industry" but nonetheless gives Lauren the desired tickets. At least after all the drama, Lauren gets an unprecedented "good job" from Lisa Love, who applies praise as sparingly as she applies her make-up, and the show goes off without a hitch.

The next day at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are recapping the prior evening's events when Blaine comes in and says that Lisa Love would like to see Lauren, and only Lauren, in her office. Yikes! Given Lauren's somewhat bumpy track record at her internship, she nervously makes her way to the boss' office, looking prepared for a reaming. But the person who reallyNew Jersey housewives with penchant for Aqua Net and hairy, gold-chain laden men in "wifebeaters". deserves to get reamed is Lisa Love, alleged fashionista, for wearing a hideous metallic tracksuit-esque ensemble usually favored by Much to Lauren's surprise (and inexplicable disappointment) Lisa informs her that Whitney has been given a summer internship in New York and that Lauren has been nominated to go to Paris for the summer. (I kind of get the impression that this occurred only as the result of Lisa Love being threatened at gun-point in the Teen Vogue parking lot by MTV producers desperate to give the show some much-needed plotline, but that's just my theory). Lisa goes on about the fabulousness of Paris and its importance to the fashion industry. Lauren's face falls slightly as she asks "this summer?" No dumbfuck, the summer of 2012! Of course, this summer! Someone's been spending a little too much "quality" time with her intellectually under-stimulated boyfriend. In addition to consuming her face, and sense of self, Jason has now clearly eaten Lauren's brain as well. As Lauren ponders the situation, we are taken to commercial with (nostalgic sigh) for the last time, that golden chord from "Don't Phunk With My Heart".

After Lauren's meeting with Lisa Love, she goes back to her office to dish all the details to Whitney, who immediately responds "you gotta do it, right?" Because any normal girl would prefer a fabulous career in fashion to a boring summer with her fur-faced fuckwit boyfriend and the question would be a no-brainer. But alas, our fallen heroine Lauren is not that girl. She sighs heavily and tells Whitney she already planned to spend the summer with Jason and isn't sure what she wants to do. Whitney says if Lauren doesn't want the Paris internship, she will gladly take it. Out front Lauren and Whitney hug and say their good-byes on what is presumably the final day of their indentured servitude to Teen Vogue (at least the Los Angeles office).

Lauren goes home to her apartment to tell Heidi about her chance to go to Paris and is met with a reaction similar to Whitney's. Heidi asks Lauren if she thinks going to Paris will jeopardize things with Jason. Lauren responds by talking how her relationship with Jason just got in a solid place and she is reluctant to leave him for the summer, making it clear their relationship is about as secure as one of Tara Reid's bra straps (i.e. not very).

Later, Lauren heads over to the Malibu digs to find J.Wahl "relaxing". Relaxing from what!?! His whole life is one big paid vacation! I really, really hate this kid! Jason launches into the longest consecutive string of words he has ever uttered as he talks about his plans for the summer which include the terribly exciting prospect of picking out patio furniture. Fuck, who needs Paris when you could be doing something as glamorous as shopping for deck chairs at the Malibu Home Depot? Jason asks Lauren how work was and she nervously drops the bomb about the internship, knowing she is about to enter relationship territory more riddled with landmines than Bosnia. Jason's first reaction is to sulk in stony silence for an uncomfortable length of time. Finally, he asks Lauren what she is thinking. When she tells him "Paris is not the kind of thing you immediately say no to" he glares at her as though she just sold him into white slavery for a Snickers bar. However, once he gets his rage in check, he gives a (in my opinion) quite unconvincing speech about how he will be there for Lauren no matter what she decides to do because she has always been there for him. My question is, since Jason is clearly not bound by the chains of employment and apprently has more money than all of Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton's scumbucket trustfund baby ex-boyfriends combined, does he not offer to go to Francewith Lauren? I'll tell you why, because he is a big, slefish ASSHOLE! After some obnoxiously sloppy kissing (I could practically see the saliva flying out of the television screen) Jason asks Lauren what she is going to do and they just stare at each other forlornly as a sad song fades to commercial. Boo-fucking-hoo!

Back at Hillside Villas, it's like a deja vu repeat of the first episode, as Heidi and Audrina catch some rays poolside and talk about boys. Heidi is clearly back on the single scene and seems to be changing guys as often as she changes her underwear. Heidi talks about how she is just going to revert to the fickle, boy-crazy way she was in pre-school because, she reasons, it worked then. So did pink Oshkosh overalls and My Little Pony tennis shoes with velcro straps, but that doesn't mean you should try to jock them in your twenties. In any event, with Jordan out of sight and most definitely out of mind, Heidi and Aurdrina are ready to take on the boys of summer. The conversation turns to Lauren and Heidi cryptically says "Lauren knows what she wants" in an obvious editing attempt to make us think she actually reclaimed her backbone and decided to ditch Jason's skeezy ass for the Paris internship and some fine French men.

Later, Lauren is packing up her suitcase at the apartment and saying good-bye to Heidi for the summer. As Lauren leaves Heidi says "call me when you get there" as though she may be going on a nine hour plane ride instead of a forty-five minute drive. Lauren walks out to her BMW, pink suitcase in tow, and drives away. We then cut to a scene of the departures gate at LAX where Lisa Love appears to be anxiously waiting for somebody. Then it's back to more of Lauren driving. Now, perhaps to the out-of-towners, there is some element of suspense during Lauren's mystery drive. However, to us So Cal natives it is blatantly obvious that Lauren is heading down Pacific Coast Highway, and nowhere near the terminally traffic-ridden stretch of the 405 that surrounds LAX. Finally, Lauren makes a left into her and Jason's summer home and runs into the house to give him a big kiss. Oh Lauren, this is the final straw. We're so over! You are now beyond the point of redemption and forever exiled from the realm of the fabulous and self-respecting. I CANNOT believe you picked Jason over the career opportunity of a lifetime! He is the human equivalent of an Egg McMuffin: greasy, gross, and really bad for you! You do not pick an Egg fucking McMuffin over Paris!!! Back at LAX, an enthusiastic Whitney meets Lisa Love for what will no doubt be an amazing and life-changing trip to the City of Lights. I hope Whitney ends up with some ultra fab, uber glam fashion job and Lauren is sentenced to a life of waiting on J. Wahl and their pack of rabies-infested werebabies!

The final scene is one of Lauren and Jason exchaning nonplussed "I love you"s as they snuggle on the balcony. A plane flies overhead, off to meet a fabulous future, sybmolzing the future that Lauren has consciously (and stupidly) chosen to forego. There is an undeniable air of melancholy as Lauren looks out to the sea, which suddenly appears as gray, empty, and flat as her own future.

Thanks so much to everybody who has read and commented throughout the season. Rumor has it that the girls have all signed up for a second season of The Hills so keep your fingers crossed! We'll keep you posted with what we find out and we hope you've enjoyed "Hanging in the Hills" with us.

Love Is Not a Maybe Thing

photo from MTV.com

This episode, which was the television equivalent of a Hostess cupcake (empty calories and lots The girls talk about Jordan and Heidi tells Audrina she and Jordan are "over the honeymoon phase". Audrina says she has never really experienced that problem, since her idea of a "long-term relationship" is three dates. Heidi vents her frustrations, saying she used to be very independent but feels like she has lost a bit of herself to her relationship with Jordan and is not sure what to do. of filling) opened with a recap of the ups and downs of Heidi and Jordan's tumultuous relationship, followed by a scene of Heidi and Audrina shopping and lunching about town.

The next day at Hillside Villas, Heidi walks into Audrina's apartment mid-battle with Jordan via her cell phone. It is clear from Heidi's end of the conversation that Jordan has been going off on her like Ike Turner after a bad day at the dog races-yikes! After hanging up the phone, Heidi explains that Jordan, who is apparently unemployed and sans car (what a catch!) is mad because she won't drop what she is doing to pick his lazy ass up. A tearful Heidi breaks down, crying to Audrina that she doesn't know what to do and saying "every girl deserves to be treated like a princess". Heidi seems to realize she needs to end the relationship, but she is understandably reluctant to do so.

Over at Teen Vogue, Whitney and Lauren are catching up and Whitney asks Lauren how her birthday was. Lauren tells her it was "mellow". Sure, if by "mellow", she means the lamest and most egregious waste of a hotel room in the history of Hollywood. Lauren goes on to talk about the flowers, candles, and dinner, omitting any details of the stunted conversation, borderline argument, and subsequent video watching. Sigh. How romantic! Isn't that how every girl dreams of spending her birthday, making it a Blockbuster night at The Standard? Wow! J Wahl, you're such a charmer!

Back at Hillside Villas, Heidi is playing with her puppy Bella and Jordan comes over to talk. Heidi tries explaining to her dense and somewhat Neanderthalesque beau that his constantly disrespectful behavior is just not going to fly. (See what happens when you let you boyfriend hang out with Jason Wahler?) Heidi is very poised, calm and adult, but Jordan is not hearing it. He stubbornly tells Heidi he is not going to "reconstruct who [he] is" to "cater to her little princess persona" and his behavior is just the way he is. Clearly tired of the conversation, Jordan leaves to go for a run a la Trey McDougal. WTF is up with emotionally stunted men and running? Heidi basically tells him not to bother to come back later that night and says she will see him the next day. She then seeks emotional support form Bella who refuses to come when Heidi calls her. Heidi says "Fine, stay out there then" and sulkily slams the door. We fade to commercial with--and I cannot believe they are still using the SAME clip nine episodes in--to the tune of that ever familiar chord from "Don't Phunk With My Heart". Seriously, did the Black Eyes Peas strike some kind of endorsement deal with The Hills? What is going on?

Back from commercial, Lauren and Jason are snacking down at Mani's Bakery. Jason says he "can't believe" that Lauren is twenty and asks her if she liked what he did for her birthday. Laurens coos and says her parents really want to take her and Jason out to dinner sometime. OMG, both of you, please just stop talking! My ears are bleeding! Listening to these two discuss anything is the conversational equivalent of being shot with an elephant tranquilizer! Jason smiles smarmily and says he wants to get a beach house with Lauren for the summer. Must be nice, you lazy, spoiled, freeloading, unemployed piece of Prada-wearing shit! I HATE you! Lauren what happened to you? Where did you go so wrong? I had such high hopes for you!

Meanwhile, at Pan Pacific Park, Brian and Jordan are getting a workout and discussing Jordan's fight with Heidi. Jordan seems completely incapable of comprehending how Heidi could possibly be offended/bothered by the way he talks to her and treats her. Brian assures his buddy that everything will turn out just fine, but suggests Jordan show up at Bolthouse with flowers, dressed to the nines and take Heidi out for a surprise romantic evening. In a frighteningly Jason-like show of apathy and emotional deadness, Jordan just sort of shrugs and says "Eh, I don't know if I want to do that". Bad move, counselor. Little does he know it, but Jordan is about to hear a big, fat "Next!"

Later Lauren and Heidi head out to get some sushi and talk about Heidi's recent problems with Jordan. Lauren says "boy problems are no fun". No kidding, and you would know, Lauren! She goes on to say "me and Jason will be there for you", evidence that Lauren has totally rescinded any remaining shreds of her own individual identity. Hello!?! Heidi doesn't even like Jason. She only tolerates him out of respect and love for her BFF. The Wahlification of Lauren is clearly complete. How sad. Lauren goes on to tell Heidi "love is not a maybe thing" and asks her if she is "absolutely in love with Jordan". Heidi sighs and says no. Be careful little Heidi. Talking advice from Lauren on relationships is kind of like getting tips on healthy weight loss from Star Jones...not really the best idea.

A somber mood is set with rainy weather and a sad song as Heidi talks on the phone to her mom and tells her she packed up all of Jordans things. For someone who didn't live there, Jordan The camera pans to all kinds of adorable pictures of Heidi and Jordan in happier times, the wreckage of their relationship exploited by MTV for all to see as Heidi looks around on the verge of tears. Lauren is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Jordan comes in looking confused. He goes into Heidi's room and she tells him she "can't do this anymore" as tears spill prettily down her cheeks. Jordan then starts to cry too, telling Heidi he "can't live without [her]" and will "do anything" to fix their relationship. But alas, it's too little, too late. Heidi has had enough and with a regretful sigh tells Jordan she's "done". After Jordan leaves, poor Heidi collapses on the couch in tears, to be hugged and consoled by Lauren. Emotionally exhausted from the breakup, Heidi announces she is going to take a nap and retires to her bedroom. Lauren says "we're going to be here", indicating either (a) she has spontaneously developed multiple personality disorder and the full array of her personas will be available if Heidi needs to chat or (b) Lauren's molecules have now mutated and mingled with Jasons in such a way that she can no longer begin sentences with "I" but now must say "we" instead. Evidently, during that oh-so-horrifying New Year's Eve kiss, Jason swallowed not only Lauren's face, but her sense of self as well. sure had an awful lot of shit in Heidi and Lauren's apartment.

A dumfounded Jordan (guys just never see the break up coming, do they?) returns to his apartment and gives Brian and Jason the breakdown of his breakup with Heidi. As Jordan tells them how he walked into Heidi and Lauren's apartment to find all of his belongings boxed up, Jason looks increasingly nervous, as though he might think Heidi's sense of self-worth may be contagious and Lauren could kick his furry ass to the curb next. (Unfortunately, we all know that's never going to happen). Jason says he thought that he and Lauren would be through "way before" Heidi and Jordan ever split. Way to throw some salt in the wound, J.Wahl! Why don't you just twist Jordans nutsack and shove axe handles through his eyes while you're at it? Then maybe next week, you can show him some footage of Heidi out on a date. Asshole!

The next day at Teen Vogue, Lauren tells Whitney of the Heidi-Jordan breakup and says it is "depressing" to be in their apartment. An empathetic Whitney immediately says she needs to give Heidi a call. Lauren goes on to talk about her plans to shack up in a Malibu beach house with Jason for the summer. (Malibu!?! Isnt Lauren worried about running into Laguna Beach Whitney asks what Heidi is going to do and Lauren's "oh shit" expression indicates she hadn't even thought about where Heidi would be for the sumer until that very moment. It appears Whitney is far more concerned about Heidi than her alleged best friend Lauren, who is so wrapped in her life with Jason she can't seem to think about anything else. nemesis Kristen Cavallari and her boytoy Brody Jenner?)

At Quioxte Studios, Heidi is rehashing the breakup with Audrina saying it was "the hardest thing" she's ever had to do. Audrina is sympathetic but excited to get the newly liberated Heidi out on the social scene for some girls-gone-wild nights. Heidi seems to perk up a bit by the end of their talk and looks ready to start her new single and fabulous life.

Tune in next week for the big finale as Lauren must choose between of summer of love with Jason and a summer in Paris with Teen Vogue.

You Can't Just Be With Me?

photo from MTV.com

The episode begins with Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, and Whitney out shopping for a tres fabulous dress for Lauren to wear for her big birthday plans with Jason. I fear it is just going to be a countdown to whatever jackass stunt that skeevy asshole is going to pull this week. The girls talk about how much they "love ditching" and they wander from store to store. Someone has the brilliant idea of trying on wedding dresses and Lauren emerges from the dressing room the epitome of the blushing and beautiful bride. It is clear from her dreamy expression that she is imagining her (hopefully never to occur) nuptials with the ever-disgusting Mr. Wahler. I suppress an involuntary shudder as I envision the corporate executives at MTV pitching a Newlyweds style spin-off in which Jason plays a more spoiled, less likeable Jessica Simpson to Lauren's constantly frustrated Nick. Please God, Nooooo!

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are escorted by the, as always, deliciously hot Blaine Lisa informs her interns they will be responsible for setting up and directing a "go-see" for an upcoming photo shoot. When she informs them said shoot will be featuring 17-21-year-old male swimsuit models, Lauren and Whitney erupt into delighted giggles which are promptly stifled by Lisa Love's freeze-your-ass-to-the-chair-cold glare. to the stark white walls of Lisa Love's office.

Meanwhile over at Bolthouse, Heidi is informed by Brent that she and co-worker Grace will be solely responsible for keeping LAX hot that night, as he and the rest of the crew will be needed for another event. He instructs her to invite all her friends so the club's maximum occupancy can be achieved. Ain't nothing worse in Hollywood than having your name attached to a lame club. Especially if you resemble a creepy, bewigged John Malkovich and have to rely on actual talent/business acumen/intelligence for your success.

Back at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney prepare for the go-see by calling agencies and checking pictures on-line. Blaine comes in to check on them and they ask him where the go-see will be held. He tells the girls it will be at Quioxte studios, which is coincidentally (or not) where Audrina works. As the interns return to their model search, Lauren jokingly asks Whitney, who seems to "want a hotdog real bad", if she'd like to be left alone with the pictures of the models.

The day-to-night transition is achieved through an unforgivably cheesy series of clips of L.A.Baywatch. Shame on you, The Hills! Once nighttime has been established, Lauren and the crew head out to LAX to support Heidi and get their respective grooves on. Jason, in a surprisingly unself-centered move, actually asks his girlfriend how her work day was. Lauren tells him about the upcoming bathing suit shoot, and Jason immediately responds with a barrage of jealous inquiries. After Jason's New Year's Eve hissy fit, Lauren wisely decides to go a step further than simply omitting the tiny little detail that all of the models at the shoot will be packing more meat than the Oscar Meyer factory and actually lies, telling him, it will be "all girls". The next day at their apartment, Lauren and Heidi are talking about their jobs. A sleepy Heidi talks about how she has slept only six hours in the past two days, as Lauren confesses to lying about the male models. Heidi confirms Lauren's suspicions that Jason would not be cool with the situation when she says "Yeah, he's gonna be mad". I'm not even going to comment on the music clip that takes us to commercial. Those of you who have been watching all season and reading this blog know what I'm talking about.

Back from commercial, Lauren and Whitney arrive at Quioxte to prepare for the go-see. They are greeted by Audrina, who shows them where to set up. Lauren and Whitney play with the camera and make sure everything is functioning properly and Sexy Blaine (as he shall henceforth be known) comes by to supervise. Resident man-eater Audrina is checking out the goods as she directs the arriving beefcake patties down the hall to the Teen Vogue go-see. Whitney, whose life appears to be more testosterone-free than a Vagina Monologues Lauren is snapping polaroids and Blaine performs the kind of ridiculous task of interviewing. I mean they are models for Christ's sake! They aren't getting paid for their sparkling personality or dazzling wit. Take the damn picture and move on! Outside, Audrina (and I must give her props for her ballsiness) chats up auditioning model, Brad and invites him to meet the girls at Bella restaurant later that night. Back inside the go-see, one of the best-looking models asks Whitney "Where's the party at tonight?" I would have said "In your pants and I'm coming", but the ever-refined Whitney just giggles coquettishly and asks "Where's your party at tonight?" performance, is really enjoying herself as she tells the (quite tasty, if I do say so myself) man-candy to take off their shirts.

At Bella later that evening the girls indulge in some talk about the boys and Audrina enlightens us with her revelation that pretty boys are boring. I don't get that one. Granted, no one wants a boring guy, but my primary problem is pretty boys is that they are, well, pretty. I sure don't want to date a guy who looks better wearing eyeliner than I do!. Audrina goes on to state she likes bad boys because they are fun and describes Jason as a bad boy. The thickness of the cocoon of denial which Lauren has been forced to wrap around herself to survive dating J. Wahl becomes glaringly obvious when she protests "Jason's not a bad boy". Yeah, and Paris Hilton isn't made of bubble gum and recycled Playboy magazines, who are you kidding, sister? Audrina's new crush, Brad materializes at the bar and she goes over to say hello. The girls watch in awe/delight as Audrina leads him and a friend back to their table. Okay, I admit it. Audrina is kind of a badass.

Back at Jordan's apartment, Jason, Brian and Jordan are drinking a concoction that allegedly consists of "orange soda and Gatorade". Please, you know there is some Grey Goose or Petron up in that mix! The guys talk about Audrina and her dating habits. As the subject meanders to Quioxte and the Teen Vogue go-see, Jordan accidentally spills the beans when he talks about how Audrina hooked up with one of the male models. Poor Lauren is BUSTED! There is an awkward silence before Jason storms out of the room to (a) have a tantrum, (b) get his pacifier, or (c) take whatever drug it is he takes that turns him into a mumbling, nearly catatonic asshole ninety-seven percent of the time. Jordan and Brian just stare at each other in complete bewilderment. Oh shit, son! Its about to get real messy up in here!

Back at Hillside Villas, Jordan and Heidi are the picture of young domestic bliss, doing laundry together when Heidi asks Jordan if he told Jason about the male models at the Teen Vogue You can practically hear the "Oh, Jesus" as Jordan rolls his eyes and unleashes on the dysfunction of Jason and Lauren's relationship. He says they are both "immature, insecure, and not ready to be in a relationship". I can't blame poor Jordan for being irritated. Few things are more annoying than turmoil in a friend's relationship causing a fight in your own, especially if your girlfriend forgets to brief you on which information is to be kept confidential. Later on, Heidi vents to Audrina about how Jordan's loose lips have wreaked havoc and drama on their lives seven ways from Sunday. shoot.

Leaving the second day of the shoot with Whitney, Lauren gets a text message (presumably from Heidi) that her cover has been blown. When Whitney asks her what is wrong, Lauren continues her rampage of lies and says she "forgot" to tell Jason about the male models. Undoubtedly, she hides the truth because if Whitney knew how Jason really acted, she'd tell Lauren to drop his sorry ass faster than last season's Louis Vuitton bag. As if on cue, Jason calls. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I brace for the drama, and although Jason chastises Lauren for lying to him, the phone call is amazingly tame and to be truthful a bit anti-climatic. Don't we really just watch this show for the cathartic thrill of watching spoiled, rich kids swim in the pool of their own self-inflicted misery?

Lauren's birthday arrives, along with a pretty flower arrangement, one that is in any case, considerably more aesthetic than the one she received in episode 4, courtesy of Jason. The flowers are accompanied by a note that reads "Be ready at 5:00, pack a bag for school". As night falls, Jason whisks Lauren off for a "romantic" evening at The Standard Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. And it could have been romantic with any other guy in the world, but not with J. Wahl. Why does this useless fuck even have so much money? And why does he spend it like it's the dawn of the apocalypse? Maybe I should get a job as his personal ass-wiper since he clearly uses $100 bills instead of toilet paper. Ew, never mind, that was the nastiest mental image EVER! Despite the room's beautiful ambiance (candles, flowers, the whole shebang-that's right people, I said shebang) the conversation over dinner is as stunted and awkward as usual. It's like being on an incredibly bad first date in which both parties continue to volley back and forth in a game of "I don't know, what do you want to do?" It really makes me just want to grab the remote and bludgeon myself in the head to the point of unconsciousness. Lauren ends the match by asking Jason the titular question "You can't just be with me?" All evidence to the contrary, Jason says he can in fact just be with her. After yet another uncomfortable silence, the couple crawls in bed to snuggle, both wearing expressions so miserable you'd think they were on a 20-hour flight from Kazakhstan to Samoa sitting in coach with screaming babies and experiencing a bad case of dysentery instead of in a beautiful hotel room with a fabulous view. Woo-fucking-hoo! Happy Birthday, Lauren! I sincerely hope that by next year, you have ditched this bozo and are dating a REAL man who treats you right. Make a wish!

Stay tuned for next week's episode as Lauren and Jason plan to move in together while Heidi and Jordan are torn apart.