The finale, like the rest of the season, was a bit of a disappointment. Kind of like buying a fabulous Gucci "inspired" bag for $300 on-line and ending up with a crappy pleather clutch that looks like you bought it during a BOGO sale at Payless. The episode opens with teen wolfman, or rather wolfboy/millionaire Jason inviting Lauren over to his $30,000-a-month beachfront Malibu rental. He tells Lauren he wants to have a chill summer with just the two of them so they can recuperate from their "crazy" year. Yeah, poor Jason, your life is just so hard. Not working, golfing with your buddies all day, partying all night and being constantly showered with gifts you don't deserve courtesy of your doormat girlfriend's rich daddy must really take its toll on a person. But I guess life would get sort of exhausting going through it as such a verbally deficient, emotionally stunted, hygienically-challenged tool. Now Jason and Lauren will be free to spend the entire summer staring at each other in awkward silence broken only their lively debates about what they want to do which will inevitably conclude with the couple renting a video from the Malibu Blockbuster and which they will watch while lying on the couch looking the very definition of the word of "misery". How fun!
The next day at Teen Vogue, Lisa Love informs Lauren and Whitney that it is L.A. Fashion Week, and the next few days are going to be a tres busy time for the magazine. (Am I crazy or do I spy an editing faux paux? I could have sworn it was L.A. Fashion Week about 4 episodes back--get your timeline straight MTV!) Whitney is assigned to be at the beck and call of a Teen Vogue editor from New York while Lauren is put under the charge of Editor-In-Chief Amy Astley. Everyone is buzzing about tickets to the "Jennifer Nicholson" show, including Heidi's boss, Brent Bolthouse who hooks her and Audrina up with a pair. All I can think is who the fuck is Jennifer Nicholson? I assume she is some borderline famous pop tart MTV is weaving into The Hills in preparation for a Cheyenne-style spin-off, when it dawns on me they are talking about a fashion show, not a music show. Oops! Now I recall, Jennifer Nicholson is the daughter of none other than film legend Jack "I date anorexic teenagers" Nicholson. Evidently, having a father who is a film or music icon automatically validates one's status as a haute couture "it" girl. Fuck you, Stella McCartney and your $180 sports bras!
The night of the big show arrives and Lauren meets Lisa Love and Amy Astley at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel, where Lauren is given the mission impossible of rounding up two more tickets to the totally sold-out event. Lauren looks understandably freaked out and calls Whitney in a state of utter panic.
Meanwhile, at Smashbox Studios, where the show is being held, Lauren comes face to face with Kelly Cutrone, a brillopad-headed breed of megabitch so vicious Lisa Love seems like Katie fucking Couric by comparison. Kelly practically bites Lauren's head off and tells her she simply cannot get tickets unless Lauren gives her the names of the Vogue editors that the tickets are for. Heidi and Audrina show up as Lauren is near tears. Lauren repeatedly calls Lisa Love to get the required names, but is unable to get through. Finally, Lisa calls Lauren back with the names which Lauren, with some difficulty, recalls to Kelly Cunt-rone, who snidely says "you're going to have to be a lot faster than that if you want to work in the fashion industry" but nonetheless gives Lauren the desired tickets. At least after all the drama, Lauren gets an unprecedented "good job" from Lisa Love, who applies praise as sparingly as she applies her make-up, and the show goes off without a hitch.
The next day at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are recapping the prior evening's events when Blaine comes in and says that Lisa Love would like to see Lauren, and only Lauren, in her office. Yikes! Given Lauren's somewhat bumpy track record at her internship, she nervously makes her way to the boss' office, looking prepared for a reaming. But the person who reallyNew Jersey housewives with penchant for Aqua Net and hairy, gold-chain laden men in "wifebeaters". deserves to get reamed is Lisa Love, alleged fashionista, for wearing a hideous metallic tracksuit-esque ensemble usually favored by Much to Lauren's surprise (and inexplicable disappointment) Lisa informs her that Whitney has been given a summer internship in New York and that Lauren has been nominated to go to Paris for the summer. (I kind of get the impression that this occurred only as the result of Lisa Love being threatened at gun-point in the Teen Vogue parking lot by MTV producers desperate to give the show some much-needed plotline, but that's just my theory). Lisa goes on about the fabulousness of Paris and its importance to the fashion industry. Lauren's face falls slightly as she asks "this summer?" No dumbfuck, the summer of 2012! Of course, this summer! Someone's been spending a little too much "quality" time with her intellectually under-stimulated boyfriend. In addition to consuming her face, and sense of self, Jason has now clearly eaten Lauren's brain as well. As Lauren ponders the situation, we are taken to commercial with (nostalgic sigh) for the last time, that golden chord from "Don't Phunk With My Heart".
After Lauren's meeting with Lisa Love, she goes back to her office to dish all the details to Whitney, who immediately responds "you gotta do it, right?" Because any normal girl would prefer a fabulous career in fashion to a boring summer with her fur-faced fuckwit boyfriend and the question would be a no-brainer. But alas, our fallen heroine Lauren is not that girl. She sighs heavily and tells Whitney she already planned to spend the summer with Jason and isn't sure what she wants to do. Whitney says if Lauren doesn't want the Paris internship, she will gladly take it. Out front Lauren and Whitney hug and say their good-byes on what is presumably the final day of their indentured servitude to Teen Vogue (at least the Los Angeles office).
Lauren goes home to her apartment to tell Heidi about her chance to go to Paris and is met with a reaction similar to Whitney's. Heidi asks Lauren if she thinks going to Paris will jeopardize things with Jason. Lauren responds by talking how her relationship with Jason just got in a solid place and she is reluctant to leave him for the summer, making it clear their relationship is about as secure as one of Tara Reid's bra straps (i.e. not very).
Later, Lauren heads over to the Malibu digs to find J.Wahl "relaxing". Relaxing from what!?! His whole life is one big paid vacation! I really, really hate this kid! Jason launches into the longest consecutive string of words he has ever uttered as he talks about his plans for the summer which include the terribly exciting prospect of picking out patio furniture. Fuck, who needs Paris when you could be doing something as glamorous as shopping for deck chairs at the Malibu Home Depot? Jason asks Lauren how work was and she nervously drops the bomb about the internship, knowing she is about to enter relationship territory more riddled with landmines than Bosnia. Jason's first reaction is to sulk in stony silence for an uncomfortable length of time. Finally, he asks Lauren what she is thinking. When she tells him "Paris is not the kind of thing you immediately say no to" he glares at her as though she just sold him into white slavery for a Snickers bar. However, once he gets his rage in check, he gives a (in my opinion) quite unconvincing speech about how he will be there for Lauren no matter what she decides to do because she has always been there for him. My question is, since Jason is clearly not bound by the chains of employment and apprently has more money than all of Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton's scumbucket trustfund baby ex-boyfriends combined, does he not offer to go to Francewith Lauren? I'll tell you why, because he is a big, slefish ASSHOLE! After some obnoxiously sloppy kissing (I could practically see the saliva flying out of the television screen) Jason asks Lauren what she is going to do and they just stare at each other forlornly as a sad song fades to commercial. Boo-fucking-hoo!
Back at Hillside Villas, it's like a deja vu repeat of the first episode, as Heidi and Audrina catch some rays poolside and talk about boys. Heidi is clearly back on the single scene and seems to be changing guys as often as she changes her underwear. Heidi talks about how she is just going to revert to the fickle, boy-crazy way she was in pre-school because, she reasons, it worked then. So did pink Oshkosh overalls and My Little Pony tennis shoes with velcro straps, but that doesn't mean you should try to jock them in your twenties. In any event, with Jordan out of sight and most definitely out of mind, Heidi and Aurdrina are ready to take on the boys of summer. The conversation turns to Lauren and Heidi cryptically says "Lauren knows what she wants" in an obvious editing attempt to make us think she actually reclaimed her backbone and decided to ditch Jason's skeezy ass for the Paris internship and some fine French men.
Later, Lauren is packing up her suitcase at the apartment and saying good-bye to Heidi for the summer. As Lauren leaves Heidi says "call me when you get there" as though she may be going on a nine hour plane ride instead of a forty-five minute drive. Lauren walks out to her BMW, pink suitcase in tow, and drives away. We then cut to a scene of the departures gate at LAX where Lisa Love appears to be anxiously waiting for somebody. Then it's back to more of Lauren driving. Now, perhaps to the out-of-towners, there is some element of suspense during Lauren's mystery drive. However, to us So Cal natives it is blatantly obvious that Lauren is heading down Pacific Coast Highway, and nowhere near the terminally traffic-ridden stretch of the 405 that surrounds LAX. Finally, Lauren makes a left into her and Jason's summer home and runs into the house to give him a big kiss. Oh Lauren, this is the final straw. We're so over! You are now beyond the point of redemption and forever exiled from the realm of the fabulous and self-respecting. I CANNOT believe you picked Jason over the career opportunity of a lifetime! He is the human equivalent of an Egg McMuffin: greasy, gross, and really bad for you! You do not pick an Egg fucking McMuffin over Paris!!! Back at LAX, an enthusiastic Whitney meets Lisa Love for what will no doubt be an amazing and life-changing trip to the City of Lights. I hope Whitney ends up with some ultra fab, uber glam fashion job and Lauren is sentenced to a life of waiting on J. Wahl and their pack of rabies-infested werebabies!
The final scene is one of Lauren and Jason exchaning nonplussed "I love you"s as they snuggle on the balcony. A plane flies overhead, off to meet a fabulous future, sybmolzing the future that Lauren has consciously (and stupidly) chosen to forego. There is an undeniable air of melancholy as Lauren looks out to the sea, which suddenly appears as gray, empty, and flat as her own future.
Thanks so much to everybody who has read and commented throughout the season. Rumor has it that the girls have all signed up for a second season of The Hills so keep your fingers crossed! We'll keep you posted with what we find out and we hope you've enjoyed "Hanging in the Hills" with us.
