Hooray! Entertainment news reports broke last week confirming that the ballad of Jason and Lauren has (finally!) come to an end. And though it is an absolute tragedy that this break-up did not unfold while The Hills cameras were rolling, I am thrilled that the end of the J.Wahl era is upon us at last. The only question is why? Given the several break-up worthy stunts Jason pulled during the first season of The Hills including tantrums, pouting, ultimatums, mood swings, and an apparent refusal to get with in 10 feet of a shower or razor, Lauren had mucho cause for complaint, but steadfastly stood by her man. So whatever Jason did that caused the jellyish placenta that used to be Lauren's spine to re-calcify into a functioning backbone must have been BAD.
Unfortunately, although Lauren kicked his skeezy ass to the beachfront curb, she evidently still feels an obligation to protect Jason from the public backlash (as well as thousands of The Hills fans who'd love to skewer him like a teriyaki shish kabob). In a statement released by her publicist Lauren confirmed the break-up, but did not disclose any details. "Jason and I are no longer together, but out of respect for his privacy I am not going to discuss the details of the breakup". Lauren's silence sent me into speculation frenzy, so I present for your reading enjoyment the Hanging in the Hills theories as to why Lauren and Jason lost that lovin' feeling.
#1-Some Dirty Laundry Forces Jason to Come Clean: Ever the doting girlfriend, Lauren was washing Jason's jeans and cleaning out the pockets when she came across his driver's license. This inadvertent discovery revealed J.Wahl's true identity to be that of one Mr. Stanley Jason Wahlermeiner, a thirty-seven year-old from Duluth, MN. After her shock subsided, Lauren made a photocopy of the license and took it to a private investigator who uncovered that Stanley was the heir to a shower curtain ring manufacturing conglomerate in the Mid-west. Further investigation revealed that in 2002, Stanley had cleared out his trust fund, faked his own death, moved to Orange County and enrolled at Laguna Beach High School under the name of "Jason Wahler" so he could whore around with under-aged girls. In faking his death, Stanley left behind his wife, Sandy and two young daughters Candy and Mandy. A warrant for Stanley's arrest has been issued in Minnesota as a result of the more than $3 million he owes in back child support.
#2-They'll Always Have Paris...Hilton: After foregoing the opportunity of a lifetime to spend the summer in Paris interning for Teen Vogue, Lauren is more than a little disappointed when her and Jason's beachy lovenest becomes the hot hangout for her beau's lame fratboy friends. Instead of enjoying eight weeks of haute couture, Lauren is subjected to eight weeks of serving up hot wings to a bunch of drunk-ass tools who crush beer cans on their heads and treat her like a waitress at Hooters. In order to cheer her up, Jason tells Lauren he is planning a romantic week for them in Paris. They drive to LAX where they hop a flight to...Las Vegas, where Jason has booked a suite at the Paris Hotel and Casino. After 3 days of sitting around their room watching movies and looking miserable, Lauren decides to do some shopping at Las Vegas' fabulous high-end retail stores. In an effort to spice things up, Lauren picks up a show girl costume to surprise Jason later that night. Everything goes awry when Lauren returns to the suite to find J. Wahl mounting an S & M clad Paris Hilton from behind as they watch her much-publicized sex tape One Night in Paris. Jason screams "I know you love my doggy style!" while slapping Paris' mystically tanned ass. Poor Lauren, but then again, we always knew Jason was a real dog.
#3-Porn Puppet: Since Jordan is still clinically depressed over his break-up with Heidi, Jason and Brian decide he needs an emergency guys' night out to get him back on his feet. The trio parties at The Standard Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. About seventeen shots later, the guys lose their way and end up on Olvera Street where Jason, who as it turns out, has a detachable penis, comes down with a case of the drunk munchies and trades his most active appendage for 3 taquitos. The taquito vendor in turn sells the penis to a marionette maker who decorates it with two button eyes, a handlebar mustache, and dresses it in a mariachi outfit complete with sequined sombrero. The next morning, Jason awakens in want of some a.m. nookie. He rolls over on Lauren and says "Hey baby, say hello to my little friend", as he reaches into his boxers to find-much to his horror-nothing is there. Lauren screams, aghast at the sight of her man sans package. It's all very disorienting and Silence of the Lambs. Jason immediately returns to Olvera Street to find his missing piece. After much fruitless searching he recognizes his penis, in all its mariachi glory, performing in a puppet show in front of the El Paseo Inn. Jason violently rips the puppet from the puppeteer, knocking over the stage and causing several of the children watching the show to burst into tears. In his urgency to be reunited with his manhood, Jason pulls down his pants for reattachment and is subsequently arrested for indecent exposure. As part of his sentence, Jason is required to register as a sex offender wherever he lives for the rest of his life. News of the incident reaches the Laguna Beach press and one of Lauren's dad's real estate development deals is seriously jeopardized. Mr. Conrad threatens to cut Lauren off unless she cuts all ties to Jason.
#4-Man-age a Trois: Lauren is some what alarmed when she finds a copy of Cock-a-doodle Dudes 7 in Jason's sock drawer, but believes him when he tells her it was just a gag gift from a friend. Because, really, have you ever met a gay man as un-fabulous, un-groomed, and un-stylish as Jason? Didn't think so, me neither. However, after being caught packing gay porn, Jason seems increasingly desperate to prove his virile heterosexuality and starts blatantly ogling and flirting with every woman in sight, even right in front of Lauren, who retaliates only by pouting and saying it "makes [her] sad". Finally, Lauren's doormat capacity reaches its threshold and she goes on vacay to Cabo San Lucas with her BFF Heidi to get her head straight and figure out what to do. After a week of margaritas, sunshine and some poolside flirting of her own, Lauren is ready to head back home and give Jason another chance. Unfortunately, she is able to board a plane that takes off 3 hours earlier than her originally scheduled flight. She enters the house she and Jason rented for the summer to find her naked boyfriend engaged in a man-wich with her former flame Stephen Colletti and fellow Laguna Beach alum Talan Torriero. As Lauren turns to rush from the house, she slips on a puddle of KY Jelly and fractures her pelvis when she lands on the hard marble floor. Lauren promptly moves back in with Heidi and swears off men until she is in her thirties. Though she has repaired her relationships with Stephen and Talan, she and Jason no longer speak.
#5-Reality TV Revelation: After watching herself devolve from a cute, sophisticated, likeable girl to a dull, uncharismatic, quivering mass of insecurity throughout the course of the first season of The Hills, Lauren is horrified and quite embarrassed. She briefly contemplates suicide, or even worse, a return to (relative) anonymity out of the sphere of reality television. However, after careful analysis she realizes the cause of her downfall is Jason. She promptly breaks up with him and begins gearing up for season two of The Hills, determined to restore her public image. Jason does not handle the break-up well, first throwing a full-blown tantrum and then stalking Lauren just about everywhere she goes. After Lauren files a restraining order, Jason returns to Orange County and starts dating several of the cast members of season three of Laguna Beach in order to continue his tenure as a reality TV "star". Jason is currently scheduled to appear on the cover of the October issue of Teen Beat magazine and begins filming the made-for-TV movie, Saved by the Bell: Back to Bayside, this fall.
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