When You Least Expect It

photo from mtv.com

This week's episode picks up right where last week's left off as an anxiety-riddled Heidi paces the Hillside Villas apartment. Lauren takes a break from working on her birthday list to ask Heidi how work was. Heidi sighs and spills the whole story about having been dizzy and nauseous and admits to taking a pregnancy test, which (fortunately) turned out to be negative. Lauren seems a little hurt that Heidi didn't confide in her, but Heidi explains to Lauren the whole situation was making her so sick and stressed she couldn't talk about it to anyone. Lauren tells Heidi "I'm here to talk-and I won't cheat on you". (Unlike that pompous, bullshitting fuckwit of a boyfriend of yours who feeds you lies like they are daily recommended servings of fruits and vegetables).

At Bolthouse, Heidi calls Spencer, who CHEESILY answers his phone with "What a pleasant little surprise". Ew...he's just so gross. The mere sound of his sick, smarmy voice makes me want to let the earwax accumulate until it completely seals off my eardrums from the outside world (which is a pretty serious insult coming from a person who generally goes through about 10 Q-tips a day). Seriously Heidi, you're so cute, WTF!?! Heidi tells Spencer she needs to talk and asks if he can stop by her office. Spencer asks if everything is OK and Heidi sinisterly tells him to meet her in the back alley.

Meanwhile over at Teen Vogue, Lisa Love has a new assignment for Lauren and Whitney. The girls are to help prep a fashion show for "fabulous" bathing suit designer Ashley Paige, who also just happens to be a close personal friend of upper echelon Vogue editor, Amy Astley. Lisa wants both Lauren and Whitney to be there, but Whitney has school that day. Whitney promises she will get there as soon as she can, but a lot of the responsibility is going to fall on Lauren's pretty little shoulders. Lisa Love tells Lauren she will be representing Teen Vogue and asks Lauren if she thinks she is cable of doing the show on her own. Lauren says she can. Lisa tells Lauren it is VERY important that she come through. Subtext: You're already on my shit list, so do NOT fuck this up, intern!

Back at Bolthouse, Spencer pulls up to the illustrious back alley of Bolthouse in his (very undeserved) BMW. Heidi gets in his car as Spencer says hello and asks her what's up with "the whole serious aura" (insert eye rolling here). Heidi sort of alludes the fact that she might be pregnant, telling Spencer about how she's been feeling dizzy and nauseous and it's been hard because she likes him and isn't really sure how he feels about her. After looking like he just shit a brick the size of Puff Daddy's ego, Spencer tells Heidi he "way more than [likes]" her. After this confirmation of his emotions, Heidi tells Spencer she took a pregnancy test and (loaded pause) she's not pregnant. Spencer is a little pissed that Heidi let him twist in the wind and think he'd knocked her up. Now normally, I'm not one for toying with people's emotions or tricking them to see how they react to situations, but Spencer deserves every ounce of bad karma he gets! If I were Heidi, I'd of told that asshole I WAS pregnant and then taken the "abortion" money to buy myself a sweet new handbag.

Post pregnancy-scare, Spencer and Heidi's conversation becomes one of those awkward sort of "where is this going?" talks that you never really want to be involved in yourself, let alone witness other people having. Spencer basically says Heidi should not be worried about Audrina, who he describes as "out of her mind". He blatantly lies about how he NEVER tried to hook-up with Audrina. Um, excuse me...what about when you tried to hook-up with Audrina RIGHT IN FRONT OF HEIDI at the Area opening LAST WEEK? What the fuck is wrong with you Spencer!?! Is senility/short-term memory loss just another one of your many, many flaws? Spencer lamely argues that the fact he is discussing the pregnancy test with Heidi is somehow indicative that he isn't dating or even thinking about other girls. Whatever, Spencer. I HATE you. Heidi says she needs to get back to work, (unlike Spencer who is evidently a professional trust fund baby). Spencer asks Heidi where they stand and she tells him she will call him later. Like the scum-sucking emotional blackmailer he is, Spencer says "I hope I have my phone with me when you call". Heidi says "You will". Spencer half-jokes that everything in their "relationship" is going to be a test from now on. Heidi says that she "passed [her] test". OMG, Heidi, get out of the car and never look back! As Heidi heads back to Bolthouse, Spencer speeds off to commercial break.

Back from break, it's morning at Hillside Villas. A cheery Heidi is in the kitchen making Lauren some tea. Heidi recaps how she told Spencer about the pregnancy scare and how he reacted the "right" way. Lauren casually observes she doesn't know if there is a "right way" to react to something like that. Segue into Heidi playing (a kind of annoying) Cupid, telling Lauren she should totally go on a date with Spencer's BFF, Brody Jenner. In a glimpse of the old L.C. we haven't seen in so long, Lauren exclaims "Heidi, he's been touched by Kristin [Cavallari], so he's tainted". Heidi says Brody was asking about Lauren and seemed interested. Lauren asks if he is currently single. When Heidi confirms BJ's bachelorhood, Lauren looks excited, but says to tell him she'll "take a raincheck for now". Heidi says "you can tell him yourself when he calls you". Lauren is understandably irritated and tells Heidi "you can't just give out my number to guys". Heidi defends herself by saying Brody is "not just a guy, he is Spencer's best friend". If it is true that you can judge a person by their friends, this is REALLY not a good sales pitch. Lauren splits for work with a warning to Heidi not to give her number out to anyone else.

Lauren reports for duty at the Ashley Paige store in Hollywood to find the store, the designer, and all her assistants in a frenetic state of utter chaos. Ashley Paige busts into the scene like a fucking nightmare, looking like she hasn't slept since 1982 and barking orders at everyone with the ferocity of a German Shepherd on uppers. Lauren is immediately assigned to phone duty while Ashley Paige announces "interns never know how to answer phones, it's ridiculous". Bitch. Lauren is then given the tres important task of digging the wick out of a "magic money" candle Ashley Paige has apparenly come to rely on for all her financial needs. Lady, are you sure you didn't have a magic mushroom omelet for breakfast, cause you're trippin'! On the verge of an aneurism, Ashley Paige bitches Lauren out for not wearing a watch and demands to know how she ever knows what time it is without one. Hello? Clocks, cell phones, the radio...get with 2007 Ashley! I hope for your sake that your bathing suits aren't as behind the times as you are, or we might be seeing swim dresses with matching bloomers on that runway. Ashley Paige then turns her wrath from the interns to the models, shouting "look at the models just sitting around waiting, must be nice to be so gorgeous you don't have to work. Us ugly people have to bust our asses". Damn, that mushroom omelet must have come with an extra side of BITTER. Lauren gets props for the miraculous feat of finding the wick in the money candle. The ball of nerves that is Ashley Paige simultaneously inhales and exhales saying "I think I need to throw up". Yeah, me too.

At Hillside Villas, the phone rings in Audrina's apartment. She answers to be greeted (or Velveeta-ed) by Spencer who tells her she's his "favorite person in the world". Spencer told Heidi Audrina was "out of her mind" but I think he's the crazy one. Bi-polar? Schizophrenic? Homeboy needs a psychiatrist, pronto! Spencer then asks Audrina out to dinner. Audrina declines, saying she feels uncomfortable with the situation between her and Heidi and doesn't want to escalate things further. Spencer is close to outrage, practically screaming that Audrina should not feel bad because she has done nothing wrong. In an act of unadulterated AWESOMENESS, Audrina says "Spencer, I've gotta go" and hangs up on his sleazy ass! Yessss!

At the Ashley Paige fashion show, Lauren is backstage prepping the models while taking frazzled, neurotic directions from the designing diva herself. Whitney arrives on the scene and asks Lauren how she can help. Shortly thereafter, Whitney is reprimanded by one of Ashley's uber-gay, ultra-bitchy assistants for not wearing an Ashley Paige t-shirt. OMG, I am soooo glad I don't work in the fashion industry! Lauren's cell phone rings amidst the chaos and she can barely make out that it's Brody Jenner on the other end. She has to abruptly end the call to deal with the show and Brody says he'll give her a call later. The show goes off without a hitch and Ashley jokingly asks Lauren if she can steal her from Lisa.

Later at Hillside Villas, Lauren's phone rings again. Heidi tells Lauren her phone is ringing and answers it "Heidi's Dating Service". It's Mr. Jenner with his second attempt to ask Lauren out. Heidi jokes with him briefly before handing the phone over to Lauren. The two have a short conversation, and despite the fact that he is Spencer's best friend, I have to give Brody props for at least being able to construct sentences with considerable ease, which already makes him a vast improvement over J. Wahl in my book. Plus he is pretty cute. Lauren agrees to have dinner with him the next night.

The next day at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are leaving Lisa Love's office after delivering the morning coffee. Lisa calls Lauren back and amazingly gives her praise for doing such a great job on the Ashley Paige show. Lisa thanks Lauren again and complimentarily notes that production seems to be emerging as one of Lauren's real strengths.

Back at Hillside V, Lauren is getting ready for her date with Brody, while Heidi preps for dinner with Spencer. How can Heidi even eat while sitting across the table from that mug? Spencer is like the result of a freak Weird Science-style accident involving a Ken doll, some Botox and bad photocopies of pictures of Rebecca Romjin. The girls comment on the fact that it is Lauren's first date after her disastrous relationship with Jason...but no pressure or anything.
Brody takes Lauren to Hollywood eatery Social. (I'm not sure it's very cool to take a girl you want to impress to a restaurant that was featured on Top Chef...but I could be wrong). Brody is full of compliments, but manages to deliver them with much more sincerety and much less smarm than his buddy Spencer. He tells Lauren she looks "amazing" and repeatedly tells her how much he likes her smile. The conversation seems to flow pretty effortlessly and by the time the amuse bouche arrives, Lauren and Brody have already said more words to each other than she and Jason did in the course of their entire relationship. The drive back to Hillside Villas is flirtatious and a second date seems in the cards. Brody drops Lauren off and leaves her with a hug and gentlemanly kiss on the cheek. She tells him she will call him soon. Seems like things are finally looking up for Miss Lauren.

Next week: Heidi plans her birthday bash, Spencer is still a fuckwit, Audrina tries to make peace, and Lauren and Brody are sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g…

This episode of The Hills featured music by Garrison Starr.