Love Is Not a Maybe Thing

photo from MTV.com

This episode, which was the television equivalent of a Hostess cupcake (empty calories and lots The girls talk about Jordan and Heidi tells Audrina she and Jordan are "over the honeymoon phase". Audrina says she has never really experienced that problem, since her idea of a "long-term relationship" is three dates. Heidi vents her frustrations, saying she used to be very independent but feels like she has lost a bit of herself to her relationship with Jordan and is not sure what to do. of filling) opened with a recap of the ups and downs of Heidi and Jordan's tumultuous relationship, followed by a scene of Heidi and Audrina shopping and lunching about town.

The next day at Hillside Villas, Heidi walks into Audrina's apartment mid-battle with Jordan via her cell phone. It is clear from Heidi's end of the conversation that Jordan has been going off on her like Ike Turner after a bad day at the dog races-yikes! After hanging up the phone, Heidi explains that Jordan, who is apparently unemployed and sans car (what a catch!) is mad because she won't drop what she is doing to pick his lazy ass up. A tearful Heidi breaks down, crying to Audrina that she doesn't know what to do and saying "every girl deserves to be treated like a princess". Heidi seems to realize she needs to end the relationship, but she is understandably reluctant to do so.

Over at Teen Vogue, Whitney and Lauren are catching up and Whitney asks Lauren how her birthday was. Lauren tells her it was "mellow". Sure, if by "mellow", she means the lamest and most egregious waste of a hotel room in the history of Hollywood. Lauren goes on to talk about the flowers, candles, and dinner, omitting any details of the stunted conversation, borderline argument, and subsequent video watching. Sigh. How romantic! Isn't that how every girl dreams of spending her birthday, making it a Blockbuster night at The Standard? Wow! J Wahl, you're such a charmer!

Back at Hillside Villas, Heidi is playing with her puppy Bella and Jordan comes over to talk. Heidi tries explaining to her dense and somewhat Neanderthalesque beau that his constantly disrespectful behavior is just not going to fly. (See what happens when you let you boyfriend hang out with Jason Wahler?) Heidi is very poised, calm and adult, but Jordan is not hearing it. He stubbornly tells Heidi he is not going to "reconstruct who [he] is" to "cater to her little princess persona" and his behavior is just the way he is. Clearly tired of the conversation, Jordan leaves to go for a run a la Trey McDougal. WTF is up with emotionally stunted men and running? Heidi basically tells him not to bother to come back later that night and says she will see him the next day. She then seeks emotional support form Bella who refuses to come when Heidi calls her. Heidi says "Fine, stay out there then" and sulkily slams the door. We fade to commercial with--and I cannot believe they are still using the SAME clip nine episodes in--to the tune of that ever familiar chord from "Don't Phunk With My Heart". Seriously, did the Black Eyes Peas strike some kind of endorsement deal with The Hills? What is going on?

Back from commercial, Lauren and Jason are snacking down at Mani's Bakery. Jason says he "can't believe" that Lauren is twenty and asks her if she liked what he did for her birthday. Laurens coos and says her parents really want to take her and Jason out to dinner sometime. OMG, both of you, please just stop talking! My ears are bleeding! Listening to these two discuss anything is the conversational equivalent of being shot with an elephant tranquilizer! Jason smiles smarmily and says he wants to get a beach house with Lauren for the summer. Must be nice, you lazy, spoiled, freeloading, unemployed piece of Prada-wearing shit! I HATE you! Lauren what happened to you? Where did you go so wrong? I had such high hopes for you!

Meanwhile, at Pan Pacific Park, Brian and Jordan are getting a workout and discussing Jordan's fight with Heidi. Jordan seems completely incapable of comprehending how Heidi could possibly be offended/bothered by the way he talks to her and treats her. Brian assures his buddy that everything will turn out just fine, but suggests Jordan show up at Bolthouse with flowers, dressed to the nines and take Heidi out for a surprise romantic evening. In a frighteningly Jason-like show of apathy and emotional deadness, Jordan just sort of shrugs and says "Eh, I don't know if I want to do that". Bad move, counselor. Little does he know it, but Jordan is about to hear a big, fat "Next!"

Later Lauren and Heidi head out to get some sushi and talk about Heidi's recent problems with Jordan. Lauren says "boy problems are no fun". No kidding, and you would know, Lauren! She goes on to say "me and Jason will be there for you", evidence that Lauren has totally rescinded any remaining shreds of her own individual identity. Hello!?! Heidi doesn't even like Jason. She only tolerates him out of respect and love for her BFF. The Wahlification of Lauren is clearly complete. How sad. Lauren goes on to tell Heidi "love is not a maybe thing" and asks her if she is "absolutely in love with Jordan". Heidi sighs and says no. Be careful little Heidi. Talking advice from Lauren on relationships is kind of like getting tips on healthy weight loss from Star Jones...not really the best idea.

A somber mood is set with rainy weather and a sad song as Heidi talks on the phone to her mom and tells her she packed up all of Jordans things. For someone who didn't live there, Jordan The camera pans to all kinds of adorable pictures of Heidi and Jordan in happier times, the wreckage of their relationship exploited by MTV for all to see as Heidi looks around on the verge of tears. Lauren is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Jordan comes in looking confused. He goes into Heidi's room and she tells him she "can't do this anymore" as tears spill prettily down her cheeks. Jordan then starts to cry too, telling Heidi he "can't live without [her]" and will "do anything" to fix their relationship. But alas, it's too little, too late. Heidi has had enough and with a regretful sigh tells Jordan she's "done". After Jordan leaves, poor Heidi collapses on the couch in tears, to be hugged and consoled by Lauren. Emotionally exhausted from the breakup, Heidi announces she is going to take a nap and retires to her bedroom. Lauren says "we're going to be here", indicating either (a) she has spontaneously developed multiple personality disorder and the full array of her personas will be available if Heidi needs to chat or (b) Lauren's molecules have now mutated and mingled with Jasons in such a way that she can no longer begin sentences with "I" but now must say "we" instead. Evidently, during that oh-so-horrifying New Year's Eve kiss, Jason swallowed not only Lauren's face, but her sense of self as well. sure had an awful lot of shit in Heidi and Lauren's apartment.

A dumfounded Jordan (guys just never see the break up coming, do they?) returns to his apartment and gives Brian and Jason the breakdown of his breakup with Heidi. As Jordan tells them how he walked into Heidi and Lauren's apartment to find all of his belongings boxed up, Jason looks increasingly nervous, as though he might think Heidi's sense of self-worth may be contagious and Lauren could kick his furry ass to the curb next. (Unfortunately, we all know that's never going to happen). Jason says he thought that he and Lauren would be through "way before" Heidi and Jordan ever split. Way to throw some salt in the wound, J.Wahl! Why don't you just twist Jordans nutsack and shove axe handles through his eyes while you're at it? Then maybe next week, you can show him some footage of Heidi out on a date. Asshole!

The next day at Teen Vogue, Lauren tells Whitney of the Heidi-Jordan breakup and says it is "depressing" to be in their apartment. An empathetic Whitney immediately says she needs to give Heidi a call. Lauren goes on to talk about her plans to shack up in a Malibu beach house with Jason for the summer. (Malibu!?! Isnt Lauren worried about running into Laguna Beach Whitney asks what Heidi is going to do and Lauren's "oh shit" expression indicates she hadn't even thought about where Heidi would be for the sumer until that very moment. It appears Whitney is far more concerned about Heidi than her alleged best friend Lauren, who is so wrapped in her life with Jason she can't seem to think about anything else. nemesis Kristen Cavallari and her boytoy Brody Jenner?)

At Quioxte Studios, Heidi is rehashing the breakup with Audrina saying it was "the hardest thing" she's ever had to do. Audrina is sympathetic but excited to get the newly liberated Heidi out on the social scene for some girls-gone-wild nights. Heidi seems to perk up a bit by the end of their talk and looks ready to start her new single and fabulous life.

Tune in next week for the big finale as Lauren must choose between of summer of love with Jason and a summer in Paris with Teen Vogue.

You Can't Just Be With Me?

photo from MTV.com

The episode begins with Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, and Whitney out shopping for a tres fabulous dress for Lauren to wear for her big birthday plans with Jason. I fear it is just going to be a countdown to whatever jackass stunt that skeevy asshole is going to pull this week. The girls talk about how much they "love ditching" and they wander from store to store. Someone has the brilliant idea of trying on wedding dresses and Lauren emerges from the dressing room the epitome of the blushing and beautiful bride. It is clear from her dreamy expression that she is imagining her (hopefully never to occur) nuptials with the ever-disgusting Mr. Wahler. I suppress an involuntary shudder as I envision the corporate executives at MTV pitching a Newlyweds style spin-off in which Jason plays a more spoiled, less likeable Jessica Simpson to Lauren's constantly frustrated Nick. Please God, Nooooo!

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are escorted by the, as always, deliciously hot Blaine Lisa informs her interns they will be responsible for setting up and directing a "go-see" for an upcoming photo shoot. When she informs them said shoot will be featuring 17-21-year-old male swimsuit models, Lauren and Whitney erupt into delighted giggles which are promptly stifled by Lisa Love's freeze-your-ass-to-the-chair-cold glare. to the stark white walls of Lisa Love's office.

Meanwhile over at Bolthouse, Heidi is informed by Brent that she and co-worker Grace will be solely responsible for keeping LAX hot that night, as he and the rest of the crew will be needed for another event. He instructs her to invite all her friends so the club's maximum occupancy can be achieved. Ain't nothing worse in Hollywood than having your name attached to a lame club. Especially if you resemble a creepy, bewigged John Malkovich and have to rely on actual talent/business acumen/intelligence for your success.

Back at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney prepare for the go-see by calling agencies and checking pictures on-line. Blaine comes in to check on them and they ask him where the go-see will be held. He tells the girls it will be at Quioxte studios, which is coincidentally (or not) where Audrina works. As the interns return to their model search, Lauren jokingly asks Whitney, who seems to "want a hotdog real bad", if she'd like to be left alone with the pictures of the models.

The day-to-night transition is achieved through an unforgivably cheesy series of clips of L.A.Baywatch. Shame on you, The Hills! Once nighttime has been established, Lauren and the crew head out to LAX to support Heidi and get their respective grooves on. Jason, in a surprisingly unself-centered move, actually asks his girlfriend how her work day was. Lauren tells him about the upcoming bathing suit shoot, and Jason immediately responds with a barrage of jealous inquiries. After Jason's New Year's Eve hissy fit, Lauren wisely decides to go a step further than simply omitting the tiny little detail that all of the models at the shoot will be packing more meat than the Oscar Meyer factory and actually lies, telling him, it will be "all girls". The next day at their apartment, Lauren and Heidi are talking about their jobs. A sleepy Heidi talks about how she has slept only six hours in the past two days, as Lauren confesses to lying about the male models. Heidi confirms Lauren's suspicions that Jason would not be cool with the situation when she says "Yeah, he's gonna be mad". I'm not even going to comment on the music clip that takes us to commercial. Those of you who have been watching all season and reading this blog know what I'm talking about.

Back from commercial, Lauren and Whitney arrive at Quioxte to prepare for the go-see. They are greeted by Audrina, who shows them where to set up. Lauren and Whitney play with the camera and make sure everything is functioning properly and Sexy Blaine (as he shall henceforth be known) comes by to supervise. Resident man-eater Audrina is checking out the goods as she directs the arriving beefcake patties down the hall to the Teen Vogue go-see. Whitney, whose life appears to be more testosterone-free than a Vagina Monologues Lauren is snapping polaroids and Blaine performs the kind of ridiculous task of interviewing. I mean they are models for Christ's sake! They aren't getting paid for their sparkling personality or dazzling wit. Take the damn picture and move on! Outside, Audrina (and I must give her props for her ballsiness) chats up auditioning model, Brad and invites him to meet the girls at Bella restaurant later that night. Back inside the go-see, one of the best-looking models asks Whitney "Where's the party at tonight?" I would have said "In your pants and I'm coming", but the ever-refined Whitney just giggles coquettishly and asks "Where's your party at tonight?" performance, is really enjoying herself as she tells the (quite tasty, if I do say so myself) man-candy to take off their shirts.

At Bella later that evening the girls indulge in some talk about the boys and Audrina enlightens us with her revelation that pretty boys are boring. I don't get that one. Granted, no one wants a boring guy, but my primary problem is pretty boys is that they are, well, pretty. I sure don't want to date a guy who looks better wearing eyeliner than I do!. Audrina goes on to state she likes bad boys because they are fun and describes Jason as a bad boy. The thickness of the cocoon of denial which Lauren has been forced to wrap around herself to survive dating J. Wahl becomes glaringly obvious when she protests "Jason's not a bad boy". Yeah, and Paris Hilton isn't made of bubble gum and recycled Playboy magazines, who are you kidding, sister? Audrina's new crush, Brad materializes at the bar and she goes over to say hello. The girls watch in awe/delight as Audrina leads him and a friend back to their table. Okay, I admit it. Audrina is kind of a badass.

Back at Jordan's apartment, Jason, Brian and Jordan are drinking a concoction that allegedly consists of "orange soda and Gatorade". Please, you know there is some Grey Goose or Petron up in that mix! The guys talk about Audrina and her dating habits. As the subject meanders to Quioxte and the Teen Vogue go-see, Jordan accidentally spills the beans when he talks about how Audrina hooked up with one of the male models. Poor Lauren is BUSTED! There is an awkward silence before Jason storms out of the room to (a) have a tantrum, (b) get his pacifier, or (c) take whatever drug it is he takes that turns him into a mumbling, nearly catatonic asshole ninety-seven percent of the time. Jordan and Brian just stare at each other in complete bewilderment. Oh shit, son! Its about to get real messy up in here!

Back at Hillside Villas, Jordan and Heidi are the picture of young domestic bliss, doing laundry together when Heidi asks Jordan if he told Jason about the male models at the Teen Vogue You can practically hear the "Oh, Jesus" as Jordan rolls his eyes and unleashes on the dysfunction of Jason and Lauren's relationship. He says they are both "immature, insecure, and not ready to be in a relationship". I can't blame poor Jordan for being irritated. Few things are more annoying than turmoil in a friend's relationship causing a fight in your own, especially if your girlfriend forgets to brief you on which information is to be kept confidential. Later on, Heidi vents to Audrina about how Jordan's loose lips have wreaked havoc and drama on their lives seven ways from Sunday. shoot.

Leaving the second day of the shoot with Whitney, Lauren gets a text message (presumably from Heidi) that her cover has been blown. When Whitney asks her what is wrong, Lauren continues her rampage of lies and says she "forgot" to tell Jason about the male models. Undoubtedly, she hides the truth because if Whitney knew how Jason really acted, she'd tell Lauren to drop his sorry ass faster than last season's Louis Vuitton bag. As if on cue, Jason calls. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I brace for the drama, and although Jason chastises Lauren for lying to him, the phone call is amazingly tame and to be truthful a bit anti-climatic. Don't we really just watch this show for the cathartic thrill of watching spoiled, rich kids swim in the pool of their own self-inflicted misery?

Lauren's birthday arrives, along with a pretty flower arrangement, one that is in any case, considerably more aesthetic than the one she received in episode 4, courtesy of Jason. The flowers are accompanied by a note that reads "Be ready at 5:00, pack a bag for school". As night falls, Jason whisks Lauren off for a "romantic" evening at The Standard Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. And it could have been romantic with any other guy in the world, but not with J. Wahl. Why does this useless fuck even have so much money? And why does he spend it like it's the dawn of the apocalypse? Maybe I should get a job as his personal ass-wiper since he clearly uses $100 bills instead of toilet paper. Ew, never mind, that was the nastiest mental image EVER! Despite the room's beautiful ambiance (candles, flowers, the whole shebang-that's right people, I said shebang) the conversation over dinner is as stunted and awkward as usual. It's like being on an incredibly bad first date in which both parties continue to volley back and forth in a game of "I don't know, what do you want to do?" It really makes me just want to grab the remote and bludgeon myself in the head to the point of unconsciousness. Lauren ends the match by asking Jason the titular question "You can't just be with me?" All evidence to the contrary, Jason says he can in fact just be with her. After yet another uncomfortable silence, the couple crawls in bed to snuggle, both wearing expressions so miserable you'd think they were on a 20-hour flight from Kazakhstan to Samoa sitting in coach with screaming babies and experiencing a bad case of dysentery instead of in a beautiful hotel room with a fabulous view. Woo-fucking-hoo! Happy Birthday, Lauren! I sincerely hope that by next year, you have ditched this bozo and are dating a REAL man who treats you right. Make a wish!

Stay tuned for next week's episode as Lauren and Jason plan to move in together while Heidi and Jordan are torn apart.

Somebody Always Has to Cry

picture from MTV.com

Christmas time is here, assholes in the air. The episodes commences with Lauren and Jordan out shopping for some tres expensive bling for the wholly undeserving Jason. Apparently, Lauren has decided she needs to reward his bad boy birthday behavior with some black diamond dog tags. Hmm...I wonder how Daddy Conrad would feel if he knew the fruit of his loins was spending the fruits of his labor on a follicularly over-endowed skeezeball who treats her like utter shit.

Later, Jordan and Jason are confounded by what is quite possibly the most mentally straining thing they've had to face all year-the task of transporting the Christmas tree from the lot back to Heidi & Lauren's apartment. Personally, I'd vote for tying Jason to the roof of the car and letting the tree ride inside. You know the tree would provide much more stimulating conversation. Plus it's less bushy than Jason and probably smells better too. Back at la casa de Lauren y Heidi, the four friends discuss the impending holiday season. Heidi launches into a hilarious and (at least for me) relatable monologue about her dysfunctional family and how at Christmas, "somebody always has to cry".

The next day Heidi and Lauren go out to breakfast and discuss Jason's Christmas present and what they want for Christmas. Heidi points out that Lauren has reached a milestone of maturity when she states that she just wants "stuff for the apartment". To the contrary, Heidi wants a puppy and is harboring the childlike hope that Santa Claus (or a red velour, white marabou trim clad Jordan) will make her Christmas wish come true.

That evening Lauren, Jason,Heidi, and Jordan head to The Grove in Hollywood to see the wonder that is faux snow. It is beyond me why these four would choose to spend their leisure time during the season of "peace on earth" by going to a mecca of crazed shoppers and dorky sightseers that is quite literally hell on earth. Seriously, couldn't one of their billionaire parents have just rented a snow machine for the apartment instead? Since not a soul besides Lauren, Heidi, Jason,and Jordan appear in a single shot filmed at The Grove, one can only assume that MTV closed the "set" so they could film a contrived winter wonderland couples montage more nauseating than a big glass of Aunt Franny's special maple brandy eggnog and a slice of stale fruitcake. In other words, barf.

Before heading back to the OC to spend Christmas with their respective families, Lauren and company do their group gift exchange. Jason is delighted with his black diamond dog tags and this time is "smart" enough not to ask if they are from Jordan. Jason gets Lauren an absolutely hideous Chanel purse that looks like a quilted, mini-diaper bag, though she seems to love it. Lauren and Jason announce, much to Heidi's dismay, that they are getting Jordan a tattoo. When it is Heidi's turn, Jordan presents her with a stuffed Chihuahua that looks like he bought it for $3.99 with a Taco Bell combo meal. She is very gracious about receiving this, by any standards disappointing, gift. Perhaps this is because she suspects that moments later Jordanreal Chihuahua, that Heidi promptly names Bella as she alternates between tears and squeals of joy. will present her with a large box containing a Oh no I di-in't. Oh yes I did, and I cannotThe fucking Hills. Moreover, I am actually starting to, dare I say, heart believe I just cried over Heidi. I may even like her more than Lauren now. OMG, the devil needs a Prada jacket, because hell just froze over!

After Christmas, the gang heads back to the hills to ring in the New Year at a fabulous party taking place at L.A. celeb magnet, Lobby. The girls are at the salon waiting to get their hair done when Lauren gets a cryptic message from Jason that says "I'm glad you liked him. I saw what he looks like. Ha-ha, good taste". WTF? Oh Jesus, who has Jason been stalking now?

Meanwhile, Jason and Jordan are swapping Christmas stories over a workout at the gym. Despite his dalliances with Jessica, and every other breathing thing in Laguna Beach (I honestly wouldn't be surprised to learn he'd gotten drunk at a kegger and fucked a starfish), we discover Jason is livid about Lauren's ex-fling David calling her. Talking about this issue with the equally jealous Jordan only incites his rage further and Jason then calls Lauren at the salon to pick a fight and then promptly hang up on her. A confused, foil-headed Lauren recounts the whole tale of her tumultuous relationship with Jason to her and Heidi's gayer-than-Bravo hairdressers who salivate over the drama like emaciated vampires at a Red Cross blood drive. Despite the fact that she should be more pissed of than Eminem in divorce court, Lauren just sighs and makes her signature sad, pouty face.

Later that evening, Jason and Jordan are primpin' for some pimpin'. Jason, now back on hygiene hiatus, has returned to his normal "shitbag chic" state of being and you know drama is brewing when Jason suddenly gets ambivalent about wearing the necklace Lauren bought him for Christmas because he claims to think it makes his shirt look weird. Jordan wisely convinces him to wear the dog tags. As they head out to the car, one has to wonder if there wasn't some off-camera pre-drinking going on when Jordan takes a Jackass style tumble down the stairs.

Over at Hillside Villas, Lauren and Heidi (who are both looking beautiful) are doing final hair and make-up touches. Lauren seems apprehensive about the evening going well and tells Heidi she just wants a real, nice New Year's kiss because she never had one. Aw, poor L.C.! At Lobby, everybody seems to be having a good time. Heidi and Jordan are kissing and dancing and Jason and Lauren are smooching at a near by table. Jason, douchebag that he is, and looking like a misplaced extra from a Charles Dickens play in a ridiculous top hat, decides it is the perfect moment to a start a big fight with Lauren over nothing. Any suspicions I had about off-camera alcohol consumption are confirmed when Jason slurs to Lauren that they should "just have fun tonight" and not "be all angry". An understandably bewildered Lauren says she is not angry and just wants to have a good new year. Not garnering the dramatic response he desires,Jason opts for a mindfuck strategy and tells Lauren he wants to talk about having a "friendly relationship" and "just being close friends". When Lauren, who looks and sounds like she is on the verge of tears, asks him "what the hell that means" he smugly smiles and says "you'll find out". Any remaining traces of empathy that I may have had for Jason as a victim of bad editing have now completely vanished. There's a new organ donor in town folks and it's not Heidi! Though, Jason's organs are filled with alcohol and carcinogenic chemicals and his brain is made of pureed baby shrimp, so even those aren't any good to anyone. He is a TOTALLY useless excuse for a human being. Jason continues on, telling Lauren he told her they'd have a good New Year, but he is "not saying it's going to end up good". Then like a Bellvue escapee, he tells Lauren he loves her and leans in for a sloppy kiss. She rejects his advance and calls him out on his bullshit, telling him not to threaten to break up with her and then act like everything is fine. In a total break from reality, and horrifying use of a double negative Jason says "I didn't do nothing". Cringe. Grammar felony!

The drama and degradation continue, when Jason tells Lauren "How about you just listen and not talk again?" I literally want to reach through the TV screen and choke him at this point and squeeze all the oxygen and life from his stupid, stupid face. Jason breaks into an almost incomprehensible rant telling Lauren "everybody" agrees with him and she just says she is sorry but "keeps making mistakes all the time". Finally, Lauren has had enough and storms out of the party despite her fuckwit boyfriend's attempts to stop her. BFF Heidi quickly follows to find out what went wrong, and when she discovers how upset Lauren is, leaves with her in a cab, despite Lauren's pleas for her to stay. Lauren tells Heidi she is a good friend and I think everyone watching the show has to agree. Heidi's likeability is skyrocketing...and Jason's is plummeting. Right on cue, Lauren's cell phone rings and to no one's surprise it is Jason asking where she is. Lauren remains silent for a few seconds before saying "Happy New Year,Jason" and snapping her cell phone shut. You fucking go, girl!

Back at Lobby, a dumbfounded Jason panics and tells Jordan he "really messed up" and asks what he should do to fix the situation. Um...okay, Sybil time to get on the lithium! Jordan tries to help his buddy rectify his mistakes as Jason calls Lauren's cell phone. Heidi answers, barely able to conceal her contempt as she tells Jason that Lauren doesn't really want to talk to him. New Year's Eve appears to be ruined for all. In a desperate attempt to save things, Jason performs the "grand" gesture of purchasing an arm load of those nasty wilted roses random street vendors sell outside of clubs and hops a cab to go after his lady love. I fear for Lauren. It now seems inevitable that she will die at the hands of Jason in murder-suicide and subsequently be featured in an E! True Hollywood Story entitled "Heartbreak in the Hills: When Reality TV Relationships Go Wrong". Meanwhile, as midnight draws near, Lauren and Heidi joke that they will just have to be each other's New Year's kiss. Jason and Jordan frantically rush to get to Hillside Villas before the clock strikes twelve. I'd like to strike Jason twelve times. In the head. With a swavorski crystal encrusted sidekick. At 11:57 p.m. Jason calls Lauren's cell phone again and begs her to come downstairs while professing his alleged love for her. Lauren says she doesn't want to come downstairs, but ultimately (as usual) folds and descends to ring in the New Year being mauled by Jason with a disgusting kiss that no doubt tastes like an ashtray doused in Jaegermeister. Niiice! Happy fucking New Year!

Stay tuned next week as Lauren and Whitney shop male models for TeenVogue and the one-man melodrama known as Jason Wahler continues to unravel.

Music Featured in Episode 7: Mandi Perkins

New recap coming!

Check back for this past Wednesday's recap. It's on it's way!

Interview with Heidi Montag of "The Hills"

There is a short interview with Heidi on E! Online. Not too much info, but interesting nonetheless.

In the mood for some new tunes?

If you are in the market for some new tunes check out the FABULOUS Miss Alana Sweetwater here.

Hope you all had a GREAT weekend!

Boyfriends and Work Don't Mix

picture from MTV.com

The episode opens with Lauren, Heidi, and Audrina brunching at some fabulous sidewalk café in West L.A. Despite the chic outfits and new locale, The Hills suddenly morphs into a Laguna Beach flashback when Heidi starts talking about her upcoming six-month anniversary with her nightmare of a man-child boyfriend Jordan. Heidi is very excited, as this is her longest relationship EVER! Hmm, I wonder why. OK, I need to ease up on the Heidster a bit. Much to my horror, ever since the genetic disaster known as J. Wahl busted back on to the scene, I've found myself actually starting to like her.

The next day, Heidi is busting her ass at Bolthouse ensconced in an intense game of solitaire when Mr. Brent's angry, nasal bellow/whine indicates her presence is requested in his office. After, oh what three weeks, of paying her dues being at the very bottom of the Bolthouse totem pole, Brent decides Heidi is ready to get out of the office and into the clubs. Heidi is practically walking on air as she leaves Brent's office until she realizes she is scheduled to assume her new duties that Wednesday - on her and Jordans anniversary. As Heidi comes to this realization, the "oh shit" is written all across her face like graffiti on the 110 freeway. She then calls event planner Elodie to tell her the good (and bad) news, apparently suffering from the delusion that she will be able to get the night off.

Meanwhile, Jason waits in his Range Rover for Lauren outside the Hillside Villas like a scary, stalking, psycho. The second he sees her, he jumps out of his car to talk about the fight they'd had at his birthday dinner. Of course he couldn't just call and apologize or send flowers (as Lauren's dad says "flowers mean 'I'm sorry', chocolates mean 'I love you'") like a normal boy, but instead opts to handle the confrontation in the strangest way possible for maximum awkwardness. As Jason gets out of the car he is almost unrecognizable. Someone must have taken him to the groomers because he no longer looks like a dog-faced member of one of those "werewolf" families that perform acrobatic routines with traveling circuses in Mexico. He looks, well, downright clean cut. Alarmingly, Jason is somehow even less attractive in the absence of the Grizzly Adams facial scuzz we have become so accustomed to seeing him sport. Jason stumbles through a quasi-apology while seeming to look everywhere but at his girlfriend. Lauren concludes the conversation by saying "I'm not mad, it just made me sad". Evidently, someone--that means you Miss Conrad--left her balls in her vintage Chloe bag today!

Inside the Teen Vogue office Lisa Love, Blaine, Whitney and new fantastically gay fashion cohort Jay are gearing up for L.A.'s fashion week, where Teen Vogue will be producing a high-profile DKNY Jeans show. Lauren is over at FIDM taking a test. Whitney calls to tell her the exciting news and stresses about all the prep work that is going to be required to pull the fashion show off.

Back at Bolthouse, Jen, Brent's right-hand woman (who looks like fucking Elvira) calls Heidi into her office to brief her on Wednesday night. Heidi tries to negotiate starting on Saturday instead of Wednesday and is immediately shut down by both Brent and Jen. As the show fades out to commercial, Jen is reading Heidi a list of rules and regulations pertaining to working at the clubs that is longer and more complex than a J.Lo rider. Yikes!

The next morning, Jason and Lauren engage in some seriously vomit-inducing cuddling in the kitchen at her apartment. Meanwhile, the Teen Vogue staff is desperate to find Lauren and force Whitney to call and nag her for three minutes until she arrives. When Lauren does arrive-a tragic five minutes late, she is instantly lectured about her tardiness. After doing some fashion show prep work, Lauren returns to Hillside Villas to find Heidi stressing about juggling her anniversary celebration with work, as she has invited Jordan to come to the club so at least they could spend their special day together.

Later that evening at Smashbox Studios all the fashionistas are in a flurry of pre-show activity. Whitney is assigned to directing the dressers and Lauren is tasked with managing the models. Unfortunately, one of the models is MIA and Lauren is tasked with calling the agency nonstop trying to locate her. As it becomes clear that Lauren's calls are to no avail, Gay Jay whispers "If worst comes to worst, Whitney can walk instead" conspiratorially to Lisa Love.

At Heidi and Jordan's anniversary dinner, he presents her with what by all accounts appears to be a pair of earrings. She graciously thanks him and says it has been "a very special six months". It seems like Heidi and Jordan actually might make it through their anniversary without somebody calling the police for a domestic disturbance, but what fun would that be?

Back at Smashbox Studios the model in question, Jessica, still has not arrived and it is determined that Whitney will take her place in the show. Poor Whitney is being pulled, pinned, plucked, polished and prodded like a life-size Barbie as the backstage crew gets her runway ready. Meanwhile, Heidi begins her shift at LAX with Jen and Elodie. Jen is berating some wannabes and trying to handle the overflow crowd, she directs them to talk to Heidi, who has disappeared inside the club to steal a kiss from Jordan. Busted. In the worst timing of all time, the biggest ass monkey to ever appear on The Hills (and that's saying a lot given this cast) materializes in the club at Jordan, Heidi and Brian's table. From what I could ascertain from this drunk fool's (mostly incoherent) rambling, he used to date Heidi. Actually, as Heidi quickly points out, it was one date, singular-not plural. Heidi's correction apparently pisses off the drunken idiot and as he stumbles off to find another target he scoffs "she was good though", implying she is in fact a Heidi Ho. Not exactly something her current boyfriend is too psyched to hear. Arrrg! At this point Jordan explodes all over poor little Heidi.

At Smashbox the time nears for Whitney to strut her stuff down the catwalk which she does beautifully and fiasco-free. Lisa Love and Blaine (who BTW is looking exponentially hotter and more hetero with each passing episode) beam up at her from the audience. After the show, Whitney is showered with accolades. Lauren, quite frankly seems a wee bit jealous, until Blaine kindly acknowledges her hard work too.

Back at LAX Heidi is learning work, inebriated assholes, anniversaries and jealous boyfriends mix about as well as martinis and rollercoasters as Jordan rips into her and says she drives him "insane". Every time Heidi opens her mouth to try to explain the situation, she is silenced by Jordan's demands for her to shut up. She finally says "Happy anniversary, Jordan" as the couple drives off in tense and stony silence.

Tune in next week as The Hills celebrates the holidays and Jason pumps up the volume on his bad boyfriend behavior.

Music Featured in Episode 6: Imogen Heap

It's Wednesday night!

Well, another fascinating episode of The Hills has just ended. Please check back tomorrow for a recap of the show whether you missed it or not.