Love Is Not a Maybe Thing

photo from MTV.com

This episode, which was the television equivalent of a Hostess cupcake (empty calories and lots The girls talk about Jordan and Heidi tells Audrina she and Jordan are "over the honeymoon phase". Audrina says she has never really experienced that problem, since her idea of a "long-term relationship" is three dates. Heidi vents her frustrations, saying she used to be very independent but feels like she has lost a bit of herself to her relationship with Jordan and is not sure what to do. of filling) opened with a recap of the ups and downs of Heidi and Jordan's tumultuous relationship, followed by a scene of Heidi and Audrina shopping and lunching about town.

The next day at Hillside Villas, Heidi walks into Audrina's apartment mid-battle with Jordan via her cell phone. It is clear from Heidi's end of the conversation that Jordan has been going off on her like Ike Turner after a bad day at the dog races-yikes! After hanging up the phone, Heidi explains that Jordan, who is apparently unemployed and sans car (what a catch!) is mad because she won't drop what she is doing to pick his lazy ass up. A tearful Heidi breaks down, crying to Audrina that she doesn't know what to do and saying "every girl deserves to be treated like a princess". Heidi seems to realize she needs to end the relationship, but she is understandably reluctant to do so.

Over at Teen Vogue, Whitney and Lauren are catching up and Whitney asks Lauren how her birthday was. Lauren tells her it was "mellow". Sure, if by "mellow", she means the lamest and most egregious waste of a hotel room in the history of Hollywood. Lauren goes on to talk about the flowers, candles, and dinner, omitting any details of the stunted conversation, borderline argument, and subsequent video watching. Sigh. How romantic! Isn't that how every girl dreams of spending her birthday, making it a Blockbuster night at The Standard? Wow! J Wahl, you're such a charmer!

Back at Hillside Villas, Heidi is playing with her puppy Bella and Jordan comes over to talk. Heidi tries explaining to her dense and somewhat Neanderthalesque beau that his constantly disrespectful behavior is just not going to fly. (See what happens when you let you boyfriend hang out with Jason Wahler?) Heidi is very poised, calm and adult, but Jordan is not hearing it. He stubbornly tells Heidi he is not going to "reconstruct who [he] is" to "cater to her little princess persona" and his behavior is just the way he is. Clearly tired of the conversation, Jordan leaves to go for a run a la Trey McDougal. WTF is up with emotionally stunted men and running? Heidi basically tells him not to bother to come back later that night and says she will see him the next day. She then seeks emotional support form Bella who refuses to come when Heidi calls her. Heidi says "Fine, stay out there then" and sulkily slams the door. We fade to commercial with--and I cannot believe they are still using the SAME clip nine episodes in--to the tune of that ever familiar chord from "Don't Phunk With My Heart". Seriously, did the Black Eyes Peas strike some kind of endorsement deal with The Hills? What is going on?

Back from commercial, Lauren and Jason are snacking down at Mani's Bakery. Jason says he "can't believe" that Lauren is twenty and asks her if she liked what he did for her birthday. Laurens coos and says her parents really want to take her and Jason out to dinner sometime. OMG, both of you, please just stop talking! My ears are bleeding! Listening to these two discuss anything is the conversational equivalent of being shot with an elephant tranquilizer! Jason smiles smarmily and says he wants to get a beach house with Lauren for the summer. Must be nice, you lazy, spoiled, freeloading, unemployed piece of Prada-wearing shit! I HATE you! Lauren what happened to you? Where did you go so wrong? I had such high hopes for you!

Meanwhile, at Pan Pacific Park, Brian and Jordan are getting a workout and discussing Jordan's fight with Heidi. Jordan seems completely incapable of comprehending how Heidi could possibly be offended/bothered by the way he talks to her and treats her. Brian assures his buddy that everything will turn out just fine, but suggests Jordan show up at Bolthouse with flowers, dressed to the nines and take Heidi out for a surprise romantic evening. In a frighteningly Jason-like show of apathy and emotional deadness, Jordan just sort of shrugs and says "Eh, I don't know if I want to do that". Bad move, counselor. Little does he know it, but Jordan is about to hear a big, fat "Next!"

Later Lauren and Heidi head out to get some sushi and talk about Heidi's recent problems with Jordan. Lauren says "boy problems are no fun". No kidding, and you would know, Lauren! She goes on to say "me and Jason will be there for you", evidence that Lauren has totally rescinded any remaining shreds of her own individual identity. Hello!?! Heidi doesn't even like Jason. She only tolerates him out of respect and love for her BFF. The Wahlification of Lauren is clearly complete. How sad. Lauren goes on to tell Heidi "love is not a maybe thing" and asks her if she is "absolutely in love with Jordan". Heidi sighs and says no. Be careful little Heidi. Talking advice from Lauren on relationships is kind of like getting tips on healthy weight loss from Star Jones...not really the best idea.

A somber mood is set with rainy weather and a sad song as Heidi talks on the phone to her mom and tells her she packed up all of Jordans things. For someone who didn't live there, Jordan The camera pans to all kinds of adorable pictures of Heidi and Jordan in happier times, the wreckage of their relationship exploited by MTV for all to see as Heidi looks around on the verge of tears. Lauren is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Jordan comes in looking confused. He goes into Heidi's room and she tells him she "can't do this anymore" as tears spill prettily down her cheeks. Jordan then starts to cry too, telling Heidi he "can't live without [her]" and will "do anything" to fix their relationship. But alas, it's too little, too late. Heidi has had enough and with a regretful sigh tells Jordan she's "done". After Jordan leaves, poor Heidi collapses on the couch in tears, to be hugged and consoled by Lauren. Emotionally exhausted from the breakup, Heidi announces she is going to take a nap and retires to her bedroom. Lauren says "we're going to be here", indicating either (a) she has spontaneously developed multiple personality disorder and the full array of her personas will be available if Heidi needs to chat or (b) Lauren's molecules have now mutated and mingled with Jasons in such a way that she can no longer begin sentences with "I" but now must say "we" instead. Evidently, during that oh-so-horrifying New Year's Eve kiss, Jason swallowed not only Lauren's face, but her sense of self as well. sure had an awful lot of shit in Heidi and Lauren's apartment.

A dumfounded Jordan (guys just never see the break up coming, do they?) returns to his apartment and gives Brian and Jason the breakdown of his breakup with Heidi. As Jordan tells them how he walked into Heidi and Lauren's apartment to find all of his belongings boxed up, Jason looks increasingly nervous, as though he might think Heidi's sense of self-worth may be contagious and Lauren could kick his furry ass to the curb next. (Unfortunately, we all know that's never going to happen). Jason says he thought that he and Lauren would be through "way before" Heidi and Jordan ever split. Way to throw some salt in the wound, J.Wahl! Why don't you just twist Jordans nutsack and shove axe handles through his eyes while you're at it? Then maybe next week, you can show him some footage of Heidi out on a date. Asshole!

The next day at Teen Vogue, Lauren tells Whitney of the Heidi-Jordan breakup and says it is "depressing" to be in their apartment. An empathetic Whitney immediately says she needs to give Heidi a call. Lauren goes on to talk about her plans to shack up in a Malibu beach house with Jason for the summer. (Malibu!?! Isnt Lauren worried about running into Laguna Beach Whitney asks what Heidi is going to do and Lauren's "oh shit" expression indicates she hadn't even thought about where Heidi would be for the sumer until that very moment. It appears Whitney is far more concerned about Heidi than her alleged best friend Lauren, who is so wrapped in her life with Jason she can't seem to think about anything else. nemesis Kristen Cavallari and her boytoy Brody Jenner?)

At Quioxte Studios, Heidi is rehashing the breakup with Audrina saying it was "the hardest thing" she's ever had to do. Audrina is sympathetic but excited to get the newly liberated Heidi out on the social scene for some girls-gone-wild nights. Heidi seems to perk up a bit by the end of their talk and looks ready to start her new single and fabulous life.

Tune in next week for the big finale as Lauren must choose between of summer of love with Jason and a summer in Paris with Teen Vogue.