You Can't Just Be With Me?

photo from MTV.com

The episode begins with Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, and Whitney out shopping for a tres fabulous dress for Lauren to wear for her big birthday plans with Jason. I fear it is just going to be a countdown to whatever jackass stunt that skeevy asshole is going to pull this week. The girls talk about how much they "love ditching" and they wander from store to store. Someone has the brilliant idea of trying on wedding dresses and Lauren emerges from the dressing room the epitome of the blushing and beautiful bride. It is clear from her dreamy expression that she is imagining her (hopefully never to occur) nuptials with the ever-disgusting Mr. Wahler. I suppress an involuntary shudder as I envision the corporate executives at MTV pitching a Newlyweds style spin-off in which Jason plays a more spoiled, less likeable Jessica Simpson to Lauren's constantly frustrated Nick. Please God, Nooooo!

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are escorted by the, as always, deliciously hot Blaine Lisa informs her interns they will be responsible for setting up and directing a "go-see" for an upcoming photo shoot. When she informs them said shoot will be featuring 17-21-year-old male swimsuit models, Lauren and Whitney erupt into delighted giggles which are promptly stifled by Lisa Love's freeze-your-ass-to-the-chair-cold glare. to the stark white walls of Lisa Love's office.

Meanwhile over at Bolthouse, Heidi is informed by Brent that she and co-worker Grace will be solely responsible for keeping LAX hot that night, as he and the rest of the crew will be needed for another event. He instructs her to invite all her friends so the club's maximum occupancy can be achieved. Ain't nothing worse in Hollywood than having your name attached to a lame club. Especially if you resemble a creepy, bewigged John Malkovich and have to rely on actual talent/business acumen/intelligence for your success.

Back at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney prepare for the go-see by calling agencies and checking pictures on-line. Blaine comes in to check on them and they ask him where the go-see will be held. He tells the girls it will be at Quioxte studios, which is coincidentally (or not) where Audrina works. As the interns return to their model search, Lauren jokingly asks Whitney, who seems to "want a hotdog real bad", if she'd like to be left alone with the pictures of the models.

The day-to-night transition is achieved through an unforgivably cheesy series of clips of L.A.Baywatch. Shame on you, The Hills! Once nighttime has been established, Lauren and the crew head out to LAX to support Heidi and get their respective grooves on. Jason, in a surprisingly unself-centered move, actually asks his girlfriend how her work day was. Lauren tells him about the upcoming bathing suit shoot, and Jason immediately responds with a barrage of jealous inquiries. After Jason's New Year's Eve hissy fit, Lauren wisely decides to go a step further than simply omitting the tiny little detail that all of the models at the shoot will be packing more meat than the Oscar Meyer factory and actually lies, telling him, it will be "all girls". The next day at their apartment, Lauren and Heidi are talking about their jobs. A sleepy Heidi talks about how she has slept only six hours in the past two days, as Lauren confesses to lying about the male models. Heidi confirms Lauren's suspicions that Jason would not be cool with the situation when she says "Yeah, he's gonna be mad". I'm not even going to comment on the music clip that takes us to commercial. Those of you who have been watching all season and reading this blog know what I'm talking about.

Back from commercial, Lauren and Whitney arrive at Quioxte to prepare for the go-see. They are greeted by Audrina, who shows them where to set up. Lauren and Whitney play with the camera and make sure everything is functioning properly and Sexy Blaine (as he shall henceforth be known) comes by to supervise. Resident man-eater Audrina is checking out the goods as she directs the arriving beefcake patties down the hall to the Teen Vogue go-see. Whitney, whose life appears to be more testosterone-free than a Vagina Monologues Lauren is snapping polaroids and Blaine performs the kind of ridiculous task of interviewing. I mean they are models for Christ's sake! They aren't getting paid for their sparkling personality or dazzling wit. Take the damn picture and move on! Outside, Audrina (and I must give her props for her ballsiness) chats up auditioning model, Brad and invites him to meet the girls at Bella restaurant later that night. Back inside the go-see, one of the best-looking models asks Whitney "Where's the party at tonight?" I would have said "In your pants and I'm coming", but the ever-refined Whitney just giggles coquettishly and asks "Where's your party at tonight?" performance, is really enjoying herself as she tells the (quite tasty, if I do say so myself) man-candy to take off their shirts.

At Bella later that evening the girls indulge in some talk about the boys and Audrina enlightens us with her revelation that pretty boys are boring. I don't get that one. Granted, no one wants a boring guy, but my primary problem is pretty boys is that they are, well, pretty. I sure don't want to date a guy who looks better wearing eyeliner than I do!. Audrina goes on to state she likes bad boys because they are fun and describes Jason as a bad boy. The thickness of the cocoon of denial which Lauren has been forced to wrap around herself to survive dating J. Wahl becomes glaringly obvious when she protests "Jason's not a bad boy". Yeah, and Paris Hilton isn't made of bubble gum and recycled Playboy magazines, who are you kidding, sister? Audrina's new crush, Brad materializes at the bar and she goes over to say hello. The girls watch in awe/delight as Audrina leads him and a friend back to their table. Okay, I admit it. Audrina is kind of a badass.

Back at Jordan's apartment, Jason, Brian and Jordan are drinking a concoction that allegedly consists of "orange soda and Gatorade". Please, you know there is some Grey Goose or Petron up in that mix! The guys talk about Audrina and her dating habits. As the subject meanders to Quioxte and the Teen Vogue go-see, Jordan accidentally spills the beans when he talks about how Audrina hooked up with one of the male models. Poor Lauren is BUSTED! There is an awkward silence before Jason storms out of the room to (a) have a tantrum, (b) get his pacifier, or (c) take whatever drug it is he takes that turns him into a mumbling, nearly catatonic asshole ninety-seven percent of the time. Jordan and Brian just stare at each other in complete bewilderment. Oh shit, son! Its about to get real messy up in here!

Back at Hillside Villas, Jordan and Heidi are the picture of young domestic bliss, doing laundry together when Heidi asks Jordan if he told Jason about the male models at the Teen Vogue You can practically hear the "Oh, Jesus" as Jordan rolls his eyes and unleashes on the dysfunction of Jason and Lauren's relationship. He says they are both "immature, insecure, and not ready to be in a relationship". I can't blame poor Jordan for being irritated. Few things are more annoying than turmoil in a friend's relationship causing a fight in your own, especially if your girlfriend forgets to brief you on which information is to be kept confidential. Later on, Heidi vents to Audrina about how Jordan's loose lips have wreaked havoc and drama on their lives seven ways from Sunday. shoot.

Leaving the second day of the shoot with Whitney, Lauren gets a text message (presumably from Heidi) that her cover has been blown. When Whitney asks her what is wrong, Lauren continues her rampage of lies and says she "forgot" to tell Jason about the male models. Undoubtedly, she hides the truth because if Whitney knew how Jason really acted, she'd tell Lauren to drop his sorry ass faster than last season's Louis Vuitton bag. As if on cue, Jason calls. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I brace for the drama, and although Jason chastises Lauren for lying to him, the phone call is amazingly tame and to be truthful a bit anti-climatic. Don't we really just watch this show for the cathartic thrill of watching spoiled, rich kids swim in the pool of their own self-inflicted misery?

Lauren's birthday arrives, along with a pretty flower arrangement, one that is in any case, considerably more aesthetic than the one she received in episode 4, courtesy of Jason. The flowers are accompanied by a note that reads "Be ready at 5:00, pack a bag for school". As night falls, Jason whisks Lauren off for a "romantic" evening at The Standard Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. And it could have been romantic with any other guy in the world, but not with J. Wahl. Why does this useless fuck even have so much money? And why does he spend it like it's the dawn of the apocalypse? Maybe I should get a job as his personal ass-wiper since he clearly uses $100 bills instead of toilet paper. Ew, never mind, that was the nastiest mental image EVER! Despite the room's beautiful ambiance (candles, flowers, the whole shebang-that's right people, I said shebang) the conversation over dinner is as stunted and awkward as usual. It's like being on an incredibly bad first date in which both parties continue to volley back and forth in a game of "I don't know, what do you want to do?" It really makes me just want to grab the remote and bludgeon myself in the head to the point of unconsciousness. Lauren ends the match by asking Jason the titular question "You can't just be with me?" All evidence to the contrary, Jason says he can in fact just be with her. After yet another uncomfortable silence, the couple crawls in bed to snuggle, both wearing expressions so miserable you'd think they were on a 20-hour flight from Kazakhstan to Samoa sitting in coach with screaming babies and experiencing a bad case of dysentery instead of in a beautiful hotel room with a fabulous view. Woo-fucking-hoo! Happy Birthday, Lauren! I sincerely hope that by next year, you have ditched this bozo and are dating a REAL man who treats you right. Make a wish!

Stay tuned for next week's episode as Lauren and Jason plan to move in together while Heidi and Jordan are torn apart.