Somebody Always Has to Cry

picture from MTV.com

Christmas time is here, assholes in the air. The episodes commences with Lauren and Jordan out shopping for some tres expensive bling for the wholly undeserving Jason. Apparently, Lauren has decided she needs to reward his bad boy birthday behavior with some black diamond dog tags. Hmm...I wonder how Daddy Conrad would feel if he knew the fruit of his loins was spending the fruits of his labor on a follicularly over-endowed skeezeball who treats her like utter shit.

Later, Jordan and Jason are confounded by what is quite possibly the most mentally straining thing they've had to face all year-the task of transporting the Christmas tree from the lot back to Heidi & Lauren's apartment. Personally, I'd vote for tying Jason to the roof of the car and letting the tree ride inside. You know the tree would provide much more stimulating conversation. Plus it's less bushy than Jason and probably smells better too. Back at la casa de Lauren y Heidi, the four friends discuss the impending holiday season. Heidi launches into a hilarious and (at least for me) relatable monologue about her dysfunctional family and how at Christmas, "somebody always has to cry".

The next day Heidi and Lauren go out to breakfast and discuss Jason's Christmas present and what they want for Christmas. Heidi points out that Lauren has reached a milestone of maturity when she states that she just wants "stuff for the apartment". To the contrary, Heidi wants a puppy and is harboring the childlike hope that Santa Claus (or a red velour, white marabou trim clad Jordan) will make her Christmas wish come true.

That evening Lauren, Jason,Heidi, and Jordan head to The Grove in Hollywood to see the wonder that is faux snow. It is beyond me why these four would choose to spend their leisure time during the season of "peace on earth" by going to a mecca of crazed shoppers and dorky sightseers that is quite literally hell on earth. Seriously, couldn't one of their billionaire parents have just rented a snow machine for the apartment instead? Since not a soul besides Lauren, Heidi, Jason,and Jordan appear in a single shot filmed at The Grove, one can only assume that MTV closed the "set" so they could film a contrived winter wonderland couples montage more nauseating than a big glass of Aunt Franny's special maple brandy eggnog and a slice of stale fruitcake. In other words, barf.

Before heading back to the OC to spend Christmas with their respective families, Lauren and company do their group gift exchange. Jason is delighted with his black diamond dog tags and this time is "smart" enough not to ask if they are from Jordan. Jason gets Lauren an absolutely hideous Chanel purse that looks like a quilted, mini-diaper bag, though she seems to love it. Lauren and Jason announce, much to Heidi's dismay, that they are getting Jordan a tattoo. When it is Heidi's turn, Jordan presents her with a stuffed Chihuahua that looks like he bought it for $3.99 with a Taco Bell combo meal. She is very gracious about receiving this, by any standards disappointing, gift. Perhaps this is because she suspects that moments later Jordanreal Chihuahua, that Heidi promptly names Bella as she alternates between tears and squeals of joy. will present her with a large box containing a Oh no I di-in't. Oh yes I did, and I cannotThe fucking Hills. Moreover, I am actually starting to, dare I say, heart believe I just cried over Heidi. I may even like her more than Lauren now. OMG, the devil needs a Prada jacket, because hell just froze over!

After Christmas, the gang heads back to the hills to ring in the New Year at a fabulous party taking place at L.A. celeb magnet, Lobby. The girls are at the salon waiting to get their hair done when Lauren gets a cryptic message from Jason that says "I'm glad you liked him. I saw what he looks like. Ha-ha, good taste". WTF? Oh Jesus, who has Jason been stalking now?

Meanwhile, Jason and Jordan are swapping Christmas stories over a workout at the gym. Despite his dalliances with Jessica, and every other breathing thing in Laguna Beach (I honestly wouldn't be surprised to learn he'd gotten drunk at a kegger and fucked a starfish), we discover Jason is livid about Lauren's ex-fling David calling her. Talking about this issue with the equally jealous Jordan only incites his rage further and Jason then calls Lauren at the salon to pick a fight and then promptly hang up on her. A confused, foil-headed Lauren recounts the whole tale of her tumultuous relationship with Jason to her and Heidi's gayer-than-Bravo hairdressers who salivate over the drama like emaciated vampires at a Red Cross blood drive. Despite the fact that she should be more pissed of than Eminem in divorce court, Lauren just sighs and makes her signature sad, pouty face.

Later that evening, Jason and Jordan are primpin' for some pimpin'. Jason, now back on hygiene hiatus, has returned to his normal "shitbag chic" state of being and you know drama is brewing when Jason suddenly gets ambivalent about wearing the necklace Lauren bought him for Christmas because he claims to think it makes his shirt look weird. Jordan wisely convinces him to wear the dog tags. As they head out to the car, one has to wonder if there wasn't some off-camera pre-drinking going on when Jordan takes a Jackass style tumble down the stairs.

Over at Hillside Villas, Lauren and Heidi (who are both looking beautiful) are doing final hair and make-up touches. Lauren seems apprehensive about the evening going well and tells Heidi she just wants a real, nice New Year's kiss because she never had one. Aw, poor L.C.! At Lobby, everybody seems to be having a good time. Heidi and Jordan are kissing and dancing and Jason and Lauren are smooching at a near by table. Jason, douchebag that he is, and looking like a misplaced extra from a Charles Dickens play in a ridiculous top hat, decides it is the perfect moment to a start a big fight with Lauren over nothing. Any suspicions I had about off-camera alcohol consumption are confirmed when Jason slurs to Lauren that they should "just have fun tonight" and not "be all angry". An understandably bewildered Lauren says she is not angry and just wants to have a good new year. Not garnering the dramatic response he desires,Jason opts for a mindfuck strategy and tells Lauren he wants to talk about having a "friendly relationship" and "just being close friends". When Lauren, who looks and sounds like she is on the verge of tears, asks him "what the hell that means" he smugly smiles and says "you'll find out". Any remaining traces of empathy that I may have had for Jason as a victim of bad editing have now completely vanished. There's a new organ donor in town folks and it's not Heidi! Though, Jason's organs are filled with alcohol and carcinogenic chemicals and his brain is made of pureed baby shrimp, so even those aren't any good to anyone. He is a TOTALLY useless excuse for a human being. Jason continues on, telling Lauren he told her they'd have a good New Year, but he is "not saying it's going to end up good". Then like a Bellvue escapee, he tells Lauren he loves her and leans in for a sloppy kiss. She rejects his advance and calls him out on his bullshit, telling him not to threaten to break up with her and then act like everything is fine. In a total break from reality, and horrifying use of a double negative Jason says "I didn't do nothing". Cringe. Grammar felony!

The drama and degradation continue, when Jason tells Lauren "How about you just listen and not talk again?" I literally want to reach through the TV screen and choke him at this point and squeeze all the oxygen and life from his stupid, stupid face. Jason breaks into an almost incomprehensible rant telling Lauren "everybody" agrees with him and she just says she is sorry but "keeps making mistakes all the time". Finally, Lauren has had enough and storms out of the party despite her fuckwit boyfriend's attempts to stop her. BFF Heidi quickly follows to find out what went wrong, and when she discovers how upset Lauren is, leaves with her in a cab, despite Lauren's pleas for her to stay. Lauren tells Heidi she is a good friend and I think everyone watching the show has to agree. Heidi's likeability is skyrocketing...and Jason's is plummeting. Right on cue, Lauren's cell phone rings and to no one's surprise it is Jason asking where she is. Lauren remains silent for a few seconds before saying "Happy New Year,Jason" and snapping her cell phone shut. You fucking go, girl!

Back at Lobby, a dumbfounded Jason panics and tells Jordan he "really messed up" and asks what he should do to fix the situation. Um...okay, Sybil time to get on the lithium! Jordan tries to help his buddy rectify his mistakes as Jason calls Lauren's cell phone. Heidi answers, barely able to conceal her contempt as she tells Jason that Lauren doesn't really want to talk to him. New Year's Eve appears to be ruined for all. In a desperate attempt to save things, Jason performs the "grand" gesture of purchasing an arm load of those nasty wilted roses random street vendors sell outside of clubs and hops a cab to go after his lady love. I fear for Lauren. It now seems inevitable that she will die at the hands of Jason in murder-suicide and subsequently be featured in an E! True Hollywood Story entitled "Heartbreak in the Hills: When Reality TV Relationships Go Wrong". Meanwhile, as midnight draws near, Lauren and Heidi joke that they will just have to be each other's New Year's kiss. Jason and Jordan frantically rush to get to Hillside Villas before the clock strikes twelve. I'd like to strike Jason twelve times. In the head. With a swavorski crystal encrusted sidekick. At 11:57 p.m. Jason calls Lauren's cell phone again and begs her to come downstairs while professing his alleged love for her. Lauren says she doesn't want to come downstairs, but ultimately (as usual) folds and descends to ring in the New Year being mauled by Jason with a disgusting kiss that no doubt tastes like an ashtray doused in Jaegermeister. Niiice! Happy fucking New Year!

Stay tuned next week as Lauren and Whitney shop male models for TeenVogue and the one-man melodrama known as Jason Wahler continues to unravel.

Music Featured in Episode 7: Mandi Perkins