Jason's Birthday

picture from MTV.com

The episode begins with Lauren and Heidi golf club shopping for Jason's impending birthday. The girls seem as out of place and clueless as two NFL players in a day spa as they judge the golf clubs based on their names (without any actual knowledge of the brand) and "prettiness". True to form, Heidi wonders if the bag is included. No sweeite, it's not like a happy meal, the bag does not come with.

Later at the Teen Vogue office, Lauren and co-intern Whitney are engrossed in a conversation regarding the addictive properties of jeans, when the conversation turns to the coming week's work schedule. Lauren is quite apprehensive about having to work on her beloved chia pet/boyfriend Jason's birthday. As if on cue, (well played MTV!) Lisa Love materializes with fashion director Gloria and ask her interns about their schedules. Since Whitney has a class that Wednesday (the anniversary of the day Jason burst out of his mother's womb to disgrace the earth with his presence, most likely sporting peach fuzz-like facial growth even back then) Lauren is assigned to assist with the shoot. Though it seems a great opportunity that the average intern would kill for, Lauren barely conceals her annoyance at having to work on her beau's b-day. But as I like to say (and as Lisa Love probably has) tough titties! When you've been given one of the most competitive internships in the fashion industry there are going to be some sacrifices!

Over at Hillside Villas, brainiacs Heidi and Audrina are chilling in the spa and having one of their, as always enlightening and deeply intellectual conversations. Excuse me waiter, yes, I'll have an order of the stupid stew please. My eyes start to glaze as the two chat about Audrina's upcoming date with new fool on the block Dan and discuss what went down with that burning hunk of ug Brian on their date when I'm suddenly shocked out of my stupor by Heidi's use (and correct one at that) of the word "vicariously"! Holy shit, talk about a verbal bitch slap! That girl's IQ has seemed to increase exponentially over the past couple of episodes. Is it possible that Jason's arrival in Los Angeles has acted as a sort of stupidity sponge absorbing all idiocy within a 20-mile radius thus improving the mental function of everyone around him? Next thing you know, they'll be throwing a going away party for Audrina as she heads to Harvard to pursue an advanced degree in microbiology.

The next scene cuts to Lauren relaxing at her apartment when Jason comes in looking as hairy and unruly as a feminist nudist colony and esconces her is his Yetti-like embrace. Lauren reluctantly drops the bomb about having to work on his birthday. Jason says it's OK and then proceeds to sulk, in a manner not unlike one of those spoiled ass bitches from My Super Sweet Sixteen whose birthday has just been totally ruined when their father bought her an S-class Mercedes convertible in navy blue instead cobalt.

Over at Audrina's apartment, her date "Dan the Man", who in all truth is really more a hideous genetic mutation of Ryan Seacrest's personality trapped in the body of a teenage-ish boy who would have auditioned for Avrile Lavigne's "Sk8tr Boi" video. On the way to the car Dan asks Audrina how her days was and then snidely says, "Oh, I apolgize, you work" as if there was no worse fate in hell or on earth that could befall her. We soon find out Dan is just another one of the millions of model/actor/waiters infesting the Los Angeles area and he quickly proves to himself to be more of a tool than a Craftsman 5,000 power saw. Before they can even order their drinks Dan starts giving Audrina his dissertation on the magic of "fake tits". Seconds later, the self-absorbed Dan claims to call his machine and after listening to the silcence for what I presume he believes to be a reasonable length of time, he snaps his phone shut and confidently says "my agent" knowingly to Audrina with a big, cheesy grin. Every second of the date he is totally overacting, clearly viewing his date with Audrina as some sort of audition for his own MTV spin-off. Like anyone would watch that show. Maybe he'd be good fodder for an episode of Next, but otherwise Dan should give it up and return to the farm in Ohio and start shucking some corn. Thankfully, Heidi calls to interrupt Dan's one-man show and ask how it's going. Using food as the metaphor to describe her date, Audrina, quite appropriately tell's Heidi "it's a little greasy" and plans to meet up with Heidi and the gang later on.

Over at Bella restaurant, Heidi, Jordan, Jason, and Lauren are all dining. Heidi is dishing on Audrina's date with Dan and warns everyone not to say anything in front of Brian would will be ariving imminently. Per usual Heidi behavior, she then sompletely contradicts herself by asking Audrina "How was it?" the second she walks in the door. Audrina rehashes the details of the date as poor Brian sits there awkwardly held captive audience as his crush goes on about another guy. Fortunately she didn't seem too impressed and after being exposed to the horror of Dan, even Brian is starting to look like Prince Fucking Charming. Brian quickly changes the subjecting by toasting to Jason's birthday and after a one episode, hiatus, The Hills reverts to its usual tradition of cutting to commerical with the familiar chord from "Don't Phunk With My Heart".

Jason's birthday arrives and Lauren shows up at the Teen Vogue fashion shoot looking ab fab in a black top, cropped jeans and some killer heels. Jane, the magazine's fashion editor busies Lauren with categorizing and laying out the shoes and steaming some clothes that will be used for the shoot. Blaine, looking very straight and very sexy and being (gasp!) nice, asks Lauren aobut the golf clubs and her plans for Jason's birthday. She tells them about their dinner plans and appears a little stressed about being able to keep them.

Since, with the exception of Brent Bolthouse, apparently none of the guys on The Hills have jobs, classes or ambition of any kind, Jason, Jordan, and Brian are spending the day golfing. When they arrive at the golf course, Jason opens the back of his Range Rover and finds a brand new set of golf clubs. In an act of stupidity that surprised even me, Jason asks Jordan if the golf clubs are from him. Get out Lauren! Run now, please! I beg you not to marry and have mentally incompetent werewolf babies with this vapid, witless furball! When Jordan confirms the golf clubs are not in fact from him, Jason quickly (and amazingly) deduces they must be from Lauren. His face lights up like a pouting mistress who has just been given a $3,000 Fendi bag by her rich, married lover to make up for the fact that he could not be with her on Christmas Day. Jason immediately calls Lauren to thank her for his gift. As they conclude the phone call she ssys "I love you" but evidently, Jason is in too much a state of golf club-induced euphoria to return the sentiment.

Back at the photo shoot, Lauren is doing her job but is clearly distracted by her anxiety related to Jason's birthday, especially when she finds out the shoot will run until 6:00 p.m. When "quitting" time finally rolls around, Jane tells Lauren the last shot is going to be at the beach and asks her if she wants to come along. Lauren asks if she has to and Jane plainly tells her '"You don't have to be there if you don't care". Translation "If you don't go, I will tell Lisa Love and you will be excommunicated from the Vogue family and then drawn and quartered, but I'm not going to force you at gun point". Lauren makes the unwise (yet kind of understandable) decision to take off and we are once again out to commerical to the tune of "Don't Phunk With My Heart".

After Lauren has gone home and changed Jason, clearly trying to emulate The Strokes' style but looking much more like Don Johnson circa Miami Vice, picks her up for his birthday dinner and they have a mushy exchange of "I missed you"s. Then Jason proceeds to show his gratitude for everything Lauren has done for his birthday by laying a guilt trip worthy of a Jewish grandmother on her for not spending the day with him. As they near the resturant, he goes full-blown martyr telling Lauren "you can take my car if you don't want to go out afterwards". Maybe Lauren should have gotten him a crucifix for his birthday, so he can stand up on it whenever he is feeling unappreciated or unloved. I swear, that boy is more high-maintenance than frizzy hair in 97-percent humidity.

The boring birthday dinner is punctuated by a lame toast by Brian and buzz over Audrina's illustrious career as a Hooters girl. Out of nowhere, Jason gets up and inexplicably leaves for several minutes. When he reappears, he sits practically as far away from Lauren as possible and then starts openly flirting with some random chick at the end of the table. A hushed, uncomfortable silence falls across the table as Heidi and Audrina look both shocked and livid at Jason's atrocious behavior towards their friend. A few minutes later Jason rudely says he's going to "get yelled at" and comes back over to a none too pleased Lauren and tries to make nice as if he WASN'T just being the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. Irritiated, (and rightfully so) Lauren tells him she isn't going to go out after all. On the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, Jason asks Lauren why she is mad at him (is he really that stupid or is it all just a facade that enables him to behave like a complete jackass at all times?) Lauren (admirably trying to be the bigger person) tells the seemingly sauced (or stoned?) Jason she doesn't want to fight with him on his birthday. Somehow offended by this, Jason storms off down the sidewalk leaving Heidi and Lauren with thier mouths dropped in awe. Lauren needs to drop-kick his sorry ass right back to the gutters of Venice where he belongs!

Stay tuned next week as Heidi and Jordan exhibit some not-so-model relationship behavior and Whitney takes a crack at the catwalk.

Music Featured in Episode 5: Samantha Ronson

It's Wednesday!

Episode 5 of The Hills will be airing tonight at 10 PM PST. Tune in and come back here tomorrow for another recap! Mwah!

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Lauren and Jason, Take Two

picture from MTV.com

The episode opens with a hiccup-afflicted Lauren asking Heidi if she knows a cure for her condition. In a classic "Heidism" our resident girl genius suggests "drinking water upside down and putting a pencil in your mouth". While Lauren ponders this possiblity there is a sudden knock on the door. Heidi answers the door only to be greeted by what is quite possibly the largest and ugliest flower arrangement to be shown on television...ever. It has some sort of pink blossoms and lots of leaves with large twiggy branches protruding from all angles and quite frankly seems to be a bit of a hazard. It's only a matter of time before a drunken Heidi stumbles home from the club scene one night and impales herself. The card reveals the flowers to be from an apprently lovesick (or fame hungry) Jason who is missing the girl who in my humble opinion has always been way too good/smart/pretty for him. When Heidi asks "Do you miss him?" Lauren replies only with a contemplative stare.

Later at the Teen Vogue office, Lauren and Whitney are interning away in their shared office when the topic turns to boy talk. Lauren tells Whitney about Jason's sudden reappearance in her life and fills her in on the backstory of their break-up. Though Whitney's expression at Jason's infidelity is worth a thousand words (and all of them are negative), she tries to be supportive of Lauren and it becomes pretty obvious that Miss Conrad is still clearly (and mysteriously) enamored with the scuzzy, fuzzy wonder that is Jason Wahler.

Meanwhile over at Bolthouse, Heidi is bombarded by Brent (who is looking uncharcteristically hot with a sexily dishevled new do' and some Rivers Cuomo style glasses) and his underlings with a wide array of menial tasks. In Bolthouse's "sink or swim" working environment, Heidi seems to be going down faster than if she had been outfitted with a pair of cement Jimmy Choos personally designed by Tony Soprano himself.

Back from her internship, Lauren returns to her apartment to find another message from Jason, this time inviting her to dinner. It is clear from her subsequent pre-date flurry of activity (make-up, wardrobe, etc.) she has accepted his invitation, though her expression looks more like she is preparing to go to a funeral than on a date. Jason shows up for the date at fab West L.A. restaurant Pan E Vino looking like he just rolled out of the gutters of Venice. I would not be the least bit surprised to find out he was shacking up in an abandoned fish shanti with a crack whore and a glue sniffer. Fucking shave! Or at least invest in a beard trimmer. As in all scenes with Jason there is a long and awkward silence during which Jason stupidly stares at Lauren before she finally asks him "Why did you call me?" Evidently still suffering from the verbal constipation that plauged him during the Laguna Beach days, Jason mumbles through a half-assed explanation that concludes with the epiphany "I don't know what I was thinking". I don't blame you Jason, I'm sure it is difficult to remember what you were thinking when you have the mental capacity of a seahorse. He ends the conversation by suggesting to Lauren that since they are in a new city, perhaps it is time to give their relationship a "fresh" start.

The next day at Bolthouse Heidi gets invited to her first staff meeting and can barely contain her excitement as Brent gives lays out the glam details of a fabulous bash their firm is throwing at The Palms in Vegas the coming weekend. Heidi, so estatic at her chance to cash in on her first real "perk" of working in PR that she is just about to spontaneously combust when Brent instantly deflates her by saying "We'd bring you Heidi, but you're not 21, sorry" with all the empathy and kindness of Lisa Love, which is zilch. Ouch! Even I (who if you have been reading this blog know am NOT Heidi's biggest fan) felt a little bit sorry for her in the face of such cruel and crushing disappointment.

Over at Teen Vogue Jason, now in a state of full-on Teen Wolf unkemptness, shows up to surprise Lauren with more flowers. Lauren introduces him to Whitney, who teasingly says "I want flowers" to which Jason responds "you're up next". Red flag! Given Jason's track record, I almost expect Lauren to show up to work to find Jason mauling Whitney and Lisa Love in the Teen Vogue accessory closet in some future episode. Jason takes Lauren to lunch where he describes his food as "gnarly"...seriously? Then he and Lauren engage in an unbelievably lame conversation about fishing and boats before J.Wahl picks up the tab with his daddy's credit card and takes Lauren back to her office.

Back at Bolthouse Heidi is holding court with another bathroom boo hoo-ing session, whining to her co-worker Elodie (who names these people?) about how disappointed she is with her job. Elodie tries to explain to poor, clueless Heidi the concept of paying dues, but I got the feeling her words were forever lost in the big, blank blackhole that is Heidi's brain.

After Lauren returns from lunch with Jason, Whitney asks her what's going on with them and it is clear Lauren is finding it difficult to deny to herself that she still has major feelings for Jason. Later at Hillside Villas, Lauren and Heidi are lounging poolside discussing the Jason dilemma. Heidi, in a rare and shocking moment of clarity, expresses her leeriness of Jason and his motives and wisely advises her BFF to be careful, though it seems Lauren has already made up her mind to welcome her scoundrel of an ex back into her life with open arms. (OMG-did I just write Heidi and the word "wise" in the same sentence? The apocalypse must be near).

The next day at Bolthouse, Heidi's "dream job" is fast evolving into an utter nightmare as she finds herself trapped in the position of office piss ant/ personal waitress to Brent Bolthouse. And the half-witted Heidi can't even get that right. After fetching the boss's lunch, Heidi is forced to go out a second time after forgetting his special "green drink thing". She calls her boyfriend Jordan to complain and tell him she is going to quit, a decision I suspect he supports since he has been urging her to do just that since her second day on the job.

As the episode comes to a close, Jason takes Lauren on a movie date at the Arclight theater in Hollywood. Per usual, Jason doesn't say much, he just sits there smirking smarmily and occassionaly dazzling Lauren with his razor sharp wit and obsessive use of the word "gnarly". (Speaking of razors, can someone please get Jason one before he beard burns Lauren's pretty, porcelain doll face into oblivion?) As they drive back to Lauren's apartment in Jason's Range Rover (wtf!?!) a piano ballad comes in to set the mood. Jason gets out of the car to give Lauren a good night hug and I know she has lost the tug-of-war with her heart . It's kind of like seeing an accident about to happen in slow motion and not being able to do anything to stop it. Jason goes in for the kiss and it's over. Nooooooooooooooooo!!! In an instant, all my hopes that Lauren would somehow end up with boyishly charming high school crush Stephen Coletti or at least a well grommed metrosexual from Teen Vogue are obliterated by Jason's sloppy frenching...boo! But I guess that's the trouble with "reality" TV, when the people are real and the drama is at least based in truth, you don't always get the Ross and Rachael ending.

Tune in next week as the drama heats up when Lauren is booked to be the assistant for a big Teen Vogue photo shoot on Jason's birthday and Audrina starts to phunk with Brian's heart.

Music Featured in Episode 4: Kaci Brown

An Unexpected Call

The episode commences with a tense scene between Heidi and Lauren as the two rehash Heidi's decision to drop out of FIDM for a "glamorous" (which is soon revealed to be anything but) job with PR power player Brent Bolthouse. As Heidi twitters on about her excitement over starting her "first real job", Lauren reminds her work is, well work and it is not going to be the 24-hour party that Heidi seems to be anticipating.

Later that day, Lauren is doing her thing at Teen Vogue when Blaine (is anybody else reminded of Pretty In Pink every time you hear that name?) calls to summon her to his office. Blaine informs Miss Lauren that there is a very special dress that Lisa Love needs for Fashion Week A.S.A.P. so Lauren will be heading to NYC on a red eye flight that night with said dress and be staying on the East Coast for an indefinite period of time. Jesus, Mary, and Versace, talk about a packing crisis! Not only does poor Lauren have to find something completely fabulous to wear with only two hours notice, but since she has no idea how long she will be there for, how can she possibly be expected to know how many outfits to take?

Meanwhile, Brian--a man with a plan--goes to visit his new crush Audrina at Quixote studios where she works a strenuous nine-to-six gig answering the phones, which ninety-seven percent of the time turn out to be Heidi calling up to aimlessly ramble about her meaningless existence and find out the scoop for the party scene that night. As Brian and Audrina engage in one of the most intellectually devoid conversations I have ever had the misfortune to witness, I wonder if this not-so-dynamic duo is actually the opposite of opposites attracting. The brunette version of Ken & Barbie, Himbo and Bimbo are apparently a match made in heaven...or at least in Hollywood. Let's just hope these two never procreate. Seriously, flypaper has a higher IQ. Just when I think it can't get any worse, Brian, busts a pick up line so cheesy I could practically taste the smoked gouda when he asks Audrina if the models (in reference to a Maxim shoot going on at the studio) get mad because the receptionist is hotter than them. Obviously Audrina is not lactose intolerant because seconds later she accepts Brian's invitation to dinner later that week. I'm afraid! These two could definitely give Heidi a run for her money in the Stupidity Olympics.

When Lauren returns to the apartment to pack for New York with the VIP dress in tow, the eternally self-centered Heidi delightedly squeals "Oooh, did you bring me a present?" Get over yourself bitch! If Lauren is snaking free couture swag from Teen Vogue she sure as fuck isn't going to give it to a worthless, freeloading, opportunistic whorebag like you. As Lauren tells Heidi about her internship-mandated jaunt to NYC, Heidi sighs dreamily and says "wow, you're already jet-setting" as she is surely envisioning herself doing the same courtesy of Bolthouse in the near future.

After Lauren has left for the airport, Heidi and Audrina head down to the spa for some girl talk and have the inevitable "What About Brian?" conversation. (Sadly, they are not speaking of the ABC show starring Barry Watson as the most adorable single guy the industry has conceived since Lloyd Dobler, but of cabbage-patch-kid-on-steroids Brian, friend/roommate of Heidi's hideous boyfriend Jordan). The girls talk about how the guys in L.A., even the ones from out of state, pretty much suck because all the ones who proclaim to be "good guys" are just as big of, if not bigger fuckwits than the ones who proudly flaunt their P.I.M.P. status. I find myself concurring and start to wonder if perhaps I was too quick in my dismissal of Heidi and Audrina as spoiled, witless airheads who wouldn't last 3 minutes in Los Angeles, or anywhere for that matter, without the financial backing of their uber-rich parents. But the next minute, Dumb & Dumber start swapping college dropout stories and I instantly know my first impression was indeed correct. In what may have been a clever shout out to the episode's "An Unexpected Call" title, they cut to commercial with a song that is (surprise!) not the Black Eyed Peas's "Dont Phunk With my Heart" as has been the standard procedure for every single commercial break in the first two episodes.

Next up is a quasi-lame musical interlude as a sleepy, but still adorable Lauren lands in New York and heads to the bathroom to change for the fashion show. As Lisa "If Looks Could Kill" Love has made clear to her interns previously, they represent Teen Vogue at ALL times, so it is part of the gig to look fantastic and fashionable, even if they are forced to catch a red eye flight across the country in the middle of the night to guard a fucking dress like its the President of the United States of A-goddamn-merica.

Back in L.A. it is Heidi's first day of work at Bolthouse. She goes into her boss's office to get her first assignment and he asks her is she is ready to work. The correct answer Brent, would be an emphatic "No"! What happens next is cathartic vindication sweeter than finding a vintage Dolce & Gabana dress in a thrift shop. Prada heels for first day of work: $645, Balenciaga bag to complete "professional" look: $1,700, Starbucks triple non-fat latte with sugar-free vanilla syrup for morning energy boost: $5 on daddy's platinum Master Card. Watching a spoiled O.C. princess get her comeuppance as her glamorous fantasies about working in PR are replaced with the cold, harsh reality of 8-hour workdays filled with tedious envelope stuffing: priceless.

Cut back to the East Coast where Lauren shows up at fashion week looking tres cute and put together despite her strenuous schedule and probable sleep deprivation. Lauren locates Lisa and brings over the dress that she has flown 3,000 miles to deliver only to be met with a dismissive "Hi, thanks, you need to get back on a plane to L.A. tonight" as though she were an annoying sibling that had crashed her teenage sister's slumber party. Wow. I don't think bitchiness of that level can even be quantified without the use of scientific notation. I hope that Lisa "I Ain't Got No" Love makes some unforgiveable editorial faux paux and is subsequently exiled from the fashion world and condemned to serving Popov vodka mixers to puffy alcoholics who call her "sweet tits" at the VFW in Henderson, Nevada while being forced to wear polyester-spandex blends and "jellies" for all eternity!

As Lauren rides back to the airport, Heidi shuffles into Bolthouse's alarmingly white bathroom to call her BFF and bitch about the "horrors" of her new job. You know Lauren has to be laughing on the inside. I would be...for forever. Lauren looks stressed as she wonders aloud how she is going to handle being Teen Vogue's bitch and getting through school. Then out of nowhere, like a bee stinging your neck while you're trying on clothes in a dressing room, its baaaaaaaaaack. That's right folks, we are going to commercial accompanied by the (at this point becoming strangely soothing) sounds of "Dont Phunk With My Heart".

Well after putting in almost a full eight hour day at her PR gig, Heidi decides she has had just about enough of Brent Bolthouse and his slave-driving ways. Heidi asks Brent's assistant, Landon if he is free to talk and goes storming into his office like she is Norma Fucking Rae. Heidi once again tries to shirk any trace of responsibility by explaining that she thought the job was only part-time. Brent quickly puts her arrogant ass in check and says "if youre here to work, we need you to work". Period. End. Of. Subject. You know that after only two days, Brent is already trying to think of ways he can "accidentally" off Heidi and donate her organs to someone who might actually be a useful employee.

The episode starts to wind down with the big Brian-Audrina date which features the longest strand of consecutive two syllable words I have ever heard. This is due to the simple fact that Brian and Audrina's collective vocabulary does not contain more than five to seven hundred words, the most frequently used being articulate little gems such as "like" and "yeah". In the course of their "conversation", we discover that like Brian, Audrina is an aspiring thespian, though I get the feeling that the ultimate goal for both of them is just to attain some moderate level of fame so they can score free shit and get invited to parties at the Playboy Mansion. Ugh, my head hurts. Is it possible that between Heidi, Audrina, and Brian that watching The Hills can actually make one dumber?

The next morning, Heidi is lying in bed with her lazy, sack-of-shit boyfriend, Jordan, (who appears to be unemployed and evidentally sleeps in until 2:00 p.m. every day) and complaining about her job. Jordan manages to rouse himself from his inebriated slumber just long enough to tell Heidi to quit. Wow, what an inspirational guy! I think he might have missed his calling as a motivational speaker...loser. Over at Bolthouse, Brent's regular assistant Landon is out for the day so Heidi gets stuck with random tasks like making travel arrangements and sandwich fetching, that are actually less degrading than envelope stuffing but to which Heidi nonetheless seems to take more offense. She grudgingly does what is asked of her, looking beyond resentful the whole time as, in a remarkably sound (no pun intended) musical decision by MTV, "Over My Head" by The Fray plays on in the background.

Back at the apartment Lauren checks her machine to find one of those awful turmoil inducing messages that can only be left by an ex-boyfriend that you aren't quite over. Yes, the prodigal dunce Jason we all love to hate is in L.A. and poised to make his grand return to Lauren's life. Judging from the message he left on Lauren's machine, he's just as moronic, awkward, and inarticulate as ever. I can't wait to see the material he is going to give me for next week's blog! After the emotional ambush, a confused and jet-lagged Lauren drags her tired, yet fabulous ass off to FIDM to start another grueling day.

In ridiculous contrast, the next scene shows Heidi sitting at her desk at Bolthouse filling out an electronic calendar entering "9:00a.m. Start Work/6:00p.m. Finish Work" in all the weekday squares, tears spilling down her cheeks like she is on a Real World / Road Rules challenge and her boyfriend/best friend/ random cast member she has known for 3 days has just been sent to the gauntlet. Comedic genius on the part of The Hills producers! It's almost as funny as Dane Cook.

Tune in next week to see how Lauren deals with the new drama of an old boyfriend and to find out how long Heidi can keep herself from getting evicted from Bolthouse.

Change of Plans

The episode opens with Heidi asking Lauren, who she calls "Vogue Girl", for help with an impromptu styling session in their apartment. Lauren delicately broaches the subject of Heidi's party crashing and her subsequent reaming by Lisa Love and tells Heidi she absolutely cannot crash any more of her work functions to which Heidi responds with a bimboesque giggle.

We then cut to Lauren at the Teen Vogue offices with fellow intern Whitney as they recap the disastrous events of the Hollywood issue party and Heidi's appalling behavior. Lauren tells Whitney how Lisa came over and scolded her, concluding the conversation by telling Lauren "they'd talk about it on Monday" to which Whitney, in what is quite possibly the biggest understatement ever recorded, replies "she's a little scary". A little scary!?! That is like saying Tom Cruise is a little crazy when the guy is clearly out of his mind. Lisa Love is more frightening than a pissed off menopausal Oprah ripping into an innocent author for embellishing his memoirs--and that's a pretty frightening sight. Soon thereafter, the slightly flaming Blaine appears and tells Lauren that Lisa L. wants to see her in her office.

Next up is a scene of Heidi's loser boyfriend Jordan and his roommate Brian (a.k.a. the forgettable male tag along from Episode 1) shooting hoops. The guys are discussing Heidi and Jordan's spat at the Teen Vogue party. Brian asks Jordan if everything is cool between he and Heidi. Jordan tells Brian "We made up" in a tone so smarmy and perverted that I'm tempted to forget watching the rest of the show and head directly to the nearest shower. Then Brian inquires as to whether Jordan has asked Heidi about a threesome with Lauren yet and says, "You are in L.A. now, you have to start asking these kinds of questions." Are you serious? Wow.

The show then cuts back to the Teen Vogue office and you can practically hear the staff screaming "dead intern walking!" as Lauren makes her way to Ms. Love's office of doom. Lauren is reprimanded for her drunken friends behavior and Lisa asks how they got into the party and tells Lauren she wants to hear her side of the story. Though L.C. mumbles through a pretty weak-sauce explanation and admirably protects Whitney by saying she doesn't know how Heidi and company go into the party, I must say I'm impressed. In the face of pure evil like Lisa Love, I would probably just be rendered speechless with terror and vomit all over myself-you go L.C.! Lisa tells Lauren she will be going to New York for fashion week, and ends the meeting with a stern warning for Lauren to behave while she is gone.

While Lauren is busting her ass at Teen Vogue, Heidi is tanning her ass poolside and decides to call receptionist/model/actress/friend Audrina up to find out the 411 for the club scene that night. They decide to head to "new" club LAX (run by Nicole Richie ex DJ AM) and are instantly admitted to the club despite the fact that they are all UNDER 21. Within minutes of entering the club, Heidi is, once again whoring it up, blatantly flirting with apparent PR mogul Brent Bolthouse under the jealous gaze of her boyfriend Jordan. In our first "Aspiring Actor Alert" of the season (it is L.A. after all now people), Brian with that oh-so-articulate vocabulary of his, shares his dream of becoming an actor and details of an upcoming audition with a bored Audrina. Heidi then comes over to the group squealing about the interview she has secured with PR powerhouse Brent Bolthouse. Since it is a school night, Lauren is soon ready to leave and tries to get Heidi to do the same, but Heidi plans on staying until the club closes. As we learned in the first episode, school is not a big priority for Heidikins. An irritated Lauren gets up to leave as the show cuts to commercial with the ritual chord from Black Eyed Peas' "Don't Phunk With My Heart" playing in the background.

The episodes resumes with a bright-eyed-bushy-tailed Lauren trying to rouse the terminally hungover Heidi out of bed for school. As the girls walk across campus, Heidi tells Lauren she is all kinds of ready to ditch her classes to which a frustrated Lauren asks "seriously?" My sentiments exactly L.C.! Its a good thing for Heidi her parents are insanely wealthy because if they werent I'm pretty sure that girl would be heading for a life as a skid row crackwhore.

Viewers are then treated to the delightful sight of Brian and Jordan's apartment, which looks like a squatter's pad and quite frankly the kind of place where one might contract head, body and pubic lice. The horndogs/losers have a mostly indecipherable conversation that seems to be about hooking up Brian with Audrina. Then it's back to FIDM where Heidi (apparently still drunk from the previous nights outing) is stumbling along the campus and calls Audrina to bitch about her rough first day at school.

Later, Lauren meets Heidi in the student lounge where Heidi admits that she couldn't finish out her first day of classes because she got lost on the way to class and "art is really lame". No Heidi, YOU are really lame! OMG, I seriously cannot stand this girl! An exhausted and bewildered Lauren unsuccessfully tries to talk some sense into her misguided roommate before heading off to her internship. Meanwhile, Heidi meets up with Jordan and says she has the feeling that school is just not for her and if she gets the job with Bolthouse she is going to dropout of FIDM. Ever the supportive and encouraging boyfriend, Jordan tells Heidi to quit school, probably for the sole purpose of wanting her to be available to give him blowjob wake up calls. The episode then cuts to commercial once again using the same excerpt from the Blacked Eyed Peas' "Don't Phunk With My Heart"-- AGAIN! WTF MTV, WTF?

The next scene shows Heidi preparing for her interview at Bolthouse as she tells Lauren that if she gets the job she will be taking a permanent leave of absence from school. Heidi defends her position by telling Lauren that she is only going to school to be able to get the kind of job she is interviewing for at Bolthouse so if she gets her dream job, school is just a waste of time. Lauren, looking uncharacteristically rumpled a al Britney Spears complete with smeared eye make-up and greasy hair, drags herself into the Teen Vogue office and vents to Whitney about Heidi, the interview and Heidi's questionable skills as an interviewee as well as her seeming determination to dropout of school.

Heidi shows up at Bolthouse for her interview looking surprisingly cute, capable, and un-slutty. Brent Bolthouse, who looks like a mongaloid Dave Grohl with a mod haircut, asks Heidi why his firm should hire her. Lying with the quickness and comfort of a seasoned politician, Heidi rattles on about how she is a "hard worker" and "won't give up until things are just perfect". Brent tells Heidi he "hates drama and wants as little drama as possible". For a good 30 second span, Heidi simply sits paralyzed, eyes wide open, looking like she may have possibly just crapped her Christian Dior panties before regaining her composure and saying that's a "good thing", as if she isn't Drama Central.

Shortly after the interview, Heidi calls Lauren to tell her she got the job at Bolthouse. I'll start taking bets on how many episodes Heidi lasts at Bolthouse before she is fired for drunkenness, incompetence, laziness or all of the above. Lauren says "Congratulations Heidi" in a voice flatter than champagne that has been sitting around for 6 hours. Heidi rambles on in amazement about how she gets a "salary and a real lunch break" and how she "thinks" she starts on Monday as Lauren listens, barely able to maintain a straight face. A sickened Lauren then hangs up on Heidi softly singing "Fashion School Dropout" and the episode ends with an, as always oblivious Heidi, skipping/sashaying down the street reveling in her own perceived fabulousness.

Tune in next week as Lauren hops a red-eye to NYC, Heidi is faced with a prospect of a real job for the first time in her life and Lauren's scuzzball ex-boyfriend Jason makes a sudden reappearance.

New City, New Drama

The show opens by following our favorite "underdog" L.C. (if one can ever refer to a beautiful, rich, thin, blonde nineteen year-old in such terms) as she drives her brand new BMW convertible from the beautiful shorelines of Laguna Beach to an incredibly posh apartment complex in West Hollywood. As Lauren describes Laguna Beach as "a small town with big drama", all I can think is OMG this poor girl has no idea what she is in for! Living in a city where backstabbing is a practically a profession and working in an industry fueled on the tears of abused interns, L.C. is about to encounter some bitches so self-centered, conniving, and ruthless they make Kristin Cavallari look like a fucking saint.

L.C. arrives at her fantabulous new apartment to find her truly useless roommate Heidi soaking up some So Cal sun. Heidi only had a periphery appearance on Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County and as the episode unfolds, it becomes glaringly obvious as to why. Heidi and Lauren enter their new digs and it is difficult not to be somewhat nauseated. Clearly, the two unemployed/unpaid teenage girls are living in a huge west side apartment that most forty-year-olds could not afford courtesy of their rich O.C daddies. L.C. is thrown a curve ball when Teen Vogue calls to move her interview originally scheduled for 5:00p.m. to twenty minutes from now a.k.a. A.S.A.P. A frazzled L.C. quickly pulls together an impressive fashionista look, wrinkle free thanks to her ingenious multitasking with her flat iron, and makes her way to Teen Vogue's West L.A. office.

Lauren is taken to the office of Lisa Love, a fearsome creature reminiscent of the Miranda Priestly character from The Devil Wears Prada, but perhaps slightly more Stalin-esque, who conducts her interview. Although Ms. Love looks (and as we come to find out, acts) like a royal C-U-Next Tuesday, I must give her props for aging gracefully and not adopting the "Transvestite With Bell's Palsy" Botox-Plastic Surgery look favored by 8^th & Ocean'sIrene Marie and many other female elders of the fashion industry. L.C. is able to stand up to Lisa's intimidating persona and handles the interview with surprising confidence. She then heads back to her apartment to find Heidi still lounging by the pool absorbing UV rays (that will undoubtedly lead to future malignant melanomas) with her vaguely bitchy new friend Audrina, whose veneer of interest in meeting and conversing with L.C. is even thinner than Nicole Richie.

We then cut to the dinner scene, in which The Hills has replaced LB fave hangout Pomodoro with the ultra trendy L.A. eatery Geisha House where L.C. and her crew, which includes Heidi, her boyfriend, Audrina and some other forgettable male tag-along, feast on sushi and indulge in some seriously stimulating conversation. The subject turns to Lauren's potential internship and the apparently unthinkable notion of the (gasp!) 40 hour-work week. Within seconds, the cast (with the exception of our heroine, L.C.) goes from being mildly annoying to seriously hateable. The scene concludes with the vapid trust-fund babies showering Lauren with assurances that she will, like totally, get the internship, that are about as sincere as a marriage proposal on The Bachelor.

Then comes the part of the show where Heidi personifies the concept of stupid, spoiled, rich girl. L.C. and Heidi, who are apparently both slated to begin the fall term at FIDM's Los Angeles campus meet with a woman who appears to be some sort of advisor/guidance counselor/authority figure. Lauren comes off as bright, charming and articulate, especially when contrasted with Heidi, who despite her dark roots, proves she is not just legally blonde but legally retarded when she flippantly tells this counselor lady she "learned nothing" and "never went to class" in high school and really just wants to be a "PR Party Girl" as though she is absent mindedly rambling to a barely listening sorority sister. Oh. My. God. I never thought this was possible, but Heidi is so worthless and lame that by comparison, even Paris Hilton seems the very definition of intelligent, fascinating and ambitious.

Then, in a little Public Relations move of their own, Teen Vogue (Surprise!) offers Lauren an internship (could the free MTV publicity to millions of impressionable teens have been the deciding factor?) and in spite of my sometimes cynical and bitchy nature, I can't help but be happy for L.C.

The internship commences with a (probably edited) stare-down between Lauren and fellow new intern Whitney. Though I couldn't really blame L.C. (who was quite stylishly outfitted) for being a bit taken aback by Whitney's Jessica-Simpson-starring-in-the-movie-remake-of-Little-House-on-the-Prairie ensemble. My killer fashion sense was confirmed when Teen Vogue employee and frighteningly androgynous gender-bender Olivia appears, apparently for the sole purpose of providing a bitchy fashion critique of the girls before they are permitted to see Queen B (as in bitch) Lisa Love. The boss lady schools Lauren and Whitney on how in addition to devoting countless hours of their lives to the magazine for free, they are basically now property of Teen Vogue and must act in a way that represents the magazine classily, morally, and most importantly, fashionably, at all times. In other words, no sweat pants allowed! After a day of seeming idleness, the girls are given the heinous task of preparing 500 invitations for Teen Vogue's Hollywood issue party and are left to lick envelopes and likely suffer many paper cuts on their tongues working into the wee hours of the morning, all the while left to wonder if, as lowly interns, they are even going to be allowed to attend the fabulous soiree to be held at Hollywood celebrity hotspot the Roosevelt Hotel.

The next day Lauren and Whitney are informed by Lisa that they will in fact be attending the party, but to work (bold, capital, italics, underlined, exclamation point)! Whitney is assigned to work the door and L.C. is given the task of guarding the VIP area. Lisa makes it very clear to the interns that this is a working event and partying behavior of any kind will NOT be tolerated. The big night of the party arrives and Blaine, one of Lisa's ambiguously gay underlings at Teen Vogue, is explaining to Lauren (who is looking every inch the chic fashion ingénue) that she is not to let anybody sit in the VIP area until specifically instructed by him. Whitney and Lauren seem to be handling their duties practically and professionally, when Lauren's cell phone rings. Heidi, in a move that illustrates why she should really just be sacrificed and utilized as an organ donor, is out front of the party dressed to the hilt with her lame-ass boyfriend, Audrina, and another (or is it the same?) forgettable male tag-along. After a weak attempt to deter Heidi and her ilk from trying to crash the fete, Lauren asks Whitney if she can get them into the party. Whitney obliges and faster than a flash of the paparazzi, Heidi & Co. have invaded the VIP area. Proving that Heidi's stupidity is so potent that is actually both airborne and contagious, L.C. sits down with them against the explicit orders of the iron-fisted Lisa Love.

Making matters worse, Heidi and her boyfriend get into a dramatic spat (most likely fueled by the boredom of their pointless existences and the free-flowing Cristal), and cause a bit of a scene. It is so noticeable that Blaine even makes a comment to Lauren in response to which she provides a half-assed and unconvincing explanation. The camera cuts to Blaine as he appears to be tattling to Ice Queen Lisa Love who now has Lauren and her life-ruining "friends" locked in her frigid glare of death. Blaine comes over and tells L.C. et al that they need to vacate the VIP area now. Lisa then comes over and tells Lauren "We'll talk on Monday" in a voice so chilling and sinister it makes Hannibal Lecter sound like Dr. Seuss. The episode closes with a sad song playing as a sullen and deflated L.C. stands alone by the pool looking (and probably feeling) like Cinderella after the final stroke of midnight when the last shred of her façade of fabulousness has just completely disintegrated. Only it appears no Swavorski crystal encrusted Manolo Blahnik slipper or benevolent fairy godmother is going to save her from the wrath of Lisa Love who is exponentially bitchier and far more scary than any ten evil stepmothers combined.

The first episode of The Hills alone was packed with more drama and potential for conflict that both seasons of Laguna Beach put together, and the season has just begun. Stay tuned to see how L.C. deals as she learns that while Los Angeles may be the new city, bitchy is definitely the new black.