An Unexpected Call

The episode commences with a tense scene between Heidi and Lauren as the two rehash Heidi's decision to drop out of FIDM for a "glamorous" (which is soon revealed to be anything but) job with PR power player Brent Bolthouse. As Heidi twitters on about her excitement over starting her "first real job", Lauren reminds her work is, well work and it is not going to be the 24-hour party that Heidi seems to be anticipating.

Later that day, Lauren is doing her thing at Teen Vogue when Blaine (is anybody else reminded of Pretty In Pink every time you hear that name?) calls to summon her to his office. Blaine informs Miss Lauren that there is a very special dress that Lisa Love needs for Fashion Week A.S.A.P. so Lauren will be heading to NYC on a red eye flight that night with said dress and be staying on the East Coast for an indefinite period of time. Jesus, Mary, and Versace, talk about a packing crisis! Not only does poor Lauren have to find something completely fabulous to wear with only two hours notice, but since she has no idea how long she will be there for, how can she possibly be expected to know how many outfits to take?

Meanwhile, Brian--a man with a plan--goes to visit his new crush Audrina at Quixote studios where she works a strenuous nine-to-six gig answering the phones, which ninety-seven percent of the time turn out to be Heidi calling up to aimlessly ramble about her meaningless existence and find out the scoop for the party scene that night. As Brian and Audrina engage in one of the most intellectually devoid conversations I have ever had the misfortune to witness, I wonder if this not-so-dynamic duo is actually the opposite of opposites attracting. The brunette version of Ken & Barbie, Himbo and Bimbo are apparently a match made in heaven...or at least in Hollywood. Let's just hope these two never procreate. Seriously, flypaper has a higher IQ. Just when I think it can't get any worse, Brian, busts a pick up line so cheesy I could practically taste the smoked gouda when he asks Audrina if the models (in reference to a Maxim shoot going on at the studio) get mad because the receptionist is hotter than them. Obviously Audrina is not lactose intolerant because seconds later she accepts Brian's invitation to dinner later that week. I'm afraid! These two could definitely give Heidi a run for her money in the Stupidity Olympics.

When Lauren returns to the apartment to pack for New York with the VIP dress in tow, the eternally self-centered Heidi delightedly squeals "Oooh, did you bring me a present?" Get over yourself bitch! If Lauren is snaking free couture swag from Teen Vogue she sure as fuck isn't going to give it to a worthless, freeloading, opportunistic whorebag like you. As Lauren tells Heidi about her internship-mandated jaunt to NYC, Heidi sighs dreamily and says "wow, you're already jet-setting" as she is surely envisioning herself doing the same courtesy of Bolthouse in the near future.

After Lauren has left for the airport, Heidi and Audrina head down to the spa for some girl talk and have the inevitable "What About Brian?" conversation. (Sadly, they are not speaking of the ABC show starring Barry Watson as the most adorable single guy the industry has conceived since Lloyd Dobler, but of cabbage-patch-kid-on-steroids Brian, friend/roommate of Heidi's hideous boyfriend Jordan). The girls talk about how the guys in L.A., even the ones from out of state, pretty much suck because all the ones who proclaim to be "good guys" are just as big of, if not bigger fuckwits than the ones who proudly flaunt their P.I.M.P. status. I find myself concurring and start to wonder if perhaps I was too quick in my dismissal of Heidi and Audrina as spoiled, witless airheads who wouldn't last 3 minutes in Los Angeles, or anywhere for that matter, without the financial backing of their uber-rich parents. But the next minute, Dumb & Dumber start swapping college dropout stories and I instantly know my first impression was indeed correct. In what may have been a clever shout out to the episode's "An Unexpected Call" title, they cut to commercial with a song that is (surprise!) not the Black Eyed Peas's "Dont Phunk With my Heart" as has been the standard procedure for every single commercial break in the first two episodes.

Next up is a quasi-lame musical interlude as a sleepy, but still adorable Lauren lands in New York and heads to the bathroom to change for the fashion show. As Lisa "If Looks Could Kill" Love has made clear to her interns previously, they represent Teen Vogue at ALL times, so it is part of the gig to look fantastic and fashionable, even if they are forced to catch a red eye flight across the country in the middle of the night to guard a fucking dress like its the President of the United States of A-goddamn-merica.

Back in L.A. it is Heidi's first day of work at Bolthouse. She goes into her boss's office to get her first assignment and he asks her is she is ready to work. The correct answer Brent, would be an emphatic "No"! What happens next is cathartic vindication sweeter than finding a vintage Dolce & Gabana dress in a thrift shop. Prada heels for first day of work: $645, Balenciaga bag to complete "professional" look: $1,700, Starbucks triple non-fat latte with sugar-free vanilla syrup for morning energy boost: $5 on daddy's platinum Master Card. Watching a spoiled O.C. princess get her comeuppance as her glamorous fantasies about working in PR are replaced with the cold, harsh reality of 8-hour workdays filled with tedious envelope stuffing: priceless.

Cut back to the East Coast where Lauren shows up at fashion week looking tres cute and put together despite her strenuous schedule and probable sleep deprivation. Lauren locates Lisa and brings over the dress that she has flown 3,000 miles to deliver only to be met with a dismissive "Hi, thanks, you need to get back on a plane to L.A. tonight" as though she were an annoying sibling that had crashed her teenage sister's slumber party. Wow. I don't think bitchiness of that level can even be quantified without the use of scientific notation. I hope that Lisa "I Ain't Got No" Love makes some unforgiveable editorial faux paux and is subsequently exiled from the fashion world and condemned to serving Popov vodka mixers to puffy alcoholics who call her "sweet tits" at the VFW in Henderson, Nevada while being forced to wear polyester-spandex blends and "jellies" for all eternity!

As Lauren rides back to the airport, Heidi shuffles into Bolthouse's alarmingly white bathroom to call her BFF and bitch about the "horrors" of her new job. You know Lauren has to be laughing on the inside. I would be...for forever. Lauren looks stressed as she wonders aloud how she is going to handle being Teen Vogue's bitch and getting through school. Then out of nowhere, like a bee stinging your neck while you're trying on clothes in a dressing room, its baaaaaaaaaack. That's right folks, we are going to commercial accompanied by the (at this point becoming strangely soothing) sounds of "Dont Phunk With My Heart".

Well after putting in almost a full eight hour day at her PR gig, Heidi decides she has had just about enough of Brent Bolthouse and his slave-driving ways. Heidi asks Brent's assistant, Landon if he is free to talk and goes storming into his office like she is Norma Fucking Rae. Heidi once again tries to shirk any trace of responsibility by explaining that she thought the job was only part-time. Brent quickly puts her arrogant ass in check and says "if youre here to work, we need you to work". Period. End. Of. Subject. You know that after only two days, Brent is already trying to think of ways he can "accidentally" off Heidi and donate her organs to someone who might actually be a useful employee.

The episode starts to wind down with the big Brian-Audrina date which features the longest strand of consecutive two syllable words I have ever heard. This is due to the simple fact that Brian and Audrina's collective vocabulary does not contain more than five to seven hundred words, the most frequently used being articulate little gems such as "like" and "yeah". In the course of their "conversation", we discover that like Brian, Audrina is an aspiring thespian, though I get the feeling that the ultimate goal for both of them is just to attain some moderate level of fame so they can score free shit and get invited to parties at the Playboy Mansion. Ugh, my head hurts. Is it possible that between Heidi, Audrina, and Brian that watching The Hills can actually make one dumber?

The next morning, Heidi is lying in bed with her lazy, sack-of-shit boyfriend, Jordan, (who appears to be unemployed and evidentally sleeps in until 2:00 p.m. every day) and complaining about her job. Jordan manages to rouse himself from his inebriated slumber just long enough to tell Heidi to quit. Wow, what an inspirational guy! I think he might have missed his calling as a motivational speaker...loser. Over at Bolthouse, Brent's regular assistant Landon is out for the day so Heidi gets stuck with random tasks like making travel arrangements and sandwich fetching, that are actually less degrading than envelope stuffing but to which Heidi nonetheless seems to take more offense. She grudgingly does what is asked of her, looking beyond resentful the whole time as, in a remarkably sound (no pun intended) musical decision by MTV, "Over My Head" by The Fray plays on in the background.

Back at the apartment Lauren checks her machine to find one of those awful turmoil inducing messages that can only be left by an ex-boyfriend that you aren't quite over. Yes, the prodigal dunce Jason we all love to hate is in L.A. and poised to make his grand return to Lauren's life. Judging from the message he left on Lauren's machine, he's just as moronic, awkward, and inarticulate as ever. I can't wait to see the material he is going to give me for next week's blog! After the emotional ambush, a confused and jet-lagged Lauren drags her tired, yet fabulous ass off to FIDM to start another grueling day.

In ridiculous contrast, the next scene shows Heidi sitting at her desk at Bolthouse filling out an electronic calendar entering "9:00a.m. Start Work/6:00p.m. Finish Work" in all the weekday squares, tears spilling down her cheeks like she is on a Real World / Road Rules challenge and her boyfriend/best friend/ random cast member she has known for 3 days has just been sent to the gauntlet. Comedic genius on the part of The Hills producers! It's almost as funny as Dane Cook.

Tune in next week to see how Lauren deals with the new drama of an old boyfriend and to find out how long Heidi can keep herself from getting evicted from Bolthouse.