The show opens by following our favorite "underdog" L.C. (if one can ever refer to a beautiful, rich, thin, blonde nineteen year-old in such terms) as she drives her brand new BMW convertible from the beautiful shorelines of Laguna Beach to an incredibly posh apartment complex in West Hollywood. As Lauren describes Laguna Beach as "a small town with big drama", all I can think is OMG this poor girl has no idea what she is in for! Living in a city where backstabbing is a practically a profession and working in an industry fueled on the tears of abused interns, L.C. is about to encounter some bitches so self-centered, conniving, and ruthless they make Kristin Cavallari look like a fucking saint.
L.C. arrives at her fantabulous new apartment to find her truly useless roommate Heidi soaking up some So Cal sun. Heidi only had a periphery appearance on Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County and as the episode unfolds, it becomes glaringly obvious as to why. Heidi and Lauren enter their new digs and it is difficult not to be somewhat nauseated. Clearly, the two unemployed/unpaid teenage girls are living in a huge west side apartment that most forty-year-olds could not afford courtesy of their rich O.C daddies. L.C. is thrown a curve ball when Teen Vogue calls to move her interview originally scheduled for 5:00p.m. to twenty minutes from now a.k.a. A.S.A.P. A frazzled L.C. quickly pulls together an impressive fashionista look, wrinkle free thanks to her ingenious multitasking with her flat iron, and makes her way to Teen Vogue's West L.A. office.
Lauren is taken to the office of Lisa Love, a fearsome creature reminiscent of the Miranda Priestly character from The Devil Wears Prada, but perhaps slightly more Stalin-esque, who conducts her interview. Although Ms. Love looks (and as we come to find out, acts) like a royal C-U-Next Tuesday, I must give her props for aging gracefully and not adopting the "Transvestite With Bell's Palsy" Botox-Plastic Surgery look favored by 8th & Ocean'sIrene Marie and many other female elders of the fashion industry. L.C. is able to stand up to Lisa's intimidating persona and handles the interview with surprising confidence. She then heads back to her apartment to find Heidi still lounging by the pool absorbing UV rays (that will undoubtedly lead to future malignant melanomas) with her vaguely bitchy new friend Audrina, whose veneer of interest in meeting and conversing with L.C. is even thinner than Nicole Richie.
We then cut to the dinner scene, in which The Hills has replaced LB fave hangout Pomodoro with the ultra trendy L.A. eatery Geisha House where L.C. and her crew, which includes Heidi, her boyfriend, Audrina and some other forgettable male tag-along, feast on sushi and indulge in some seriously stimulating conversation. The subject turns to Lauren's potential internship and the apparently unthinkable notion of the (gasp!) 40 hour-work week. Within seconds, the cast (with the exception of our heroine, L.C.) goes from being mildly annoying to seriously hateable. The scene concludes with the vapid trust-fund babies showering Lauren with assurances that she will, like totally, get the internship, that are about as sincere as a marriage proposal on The Bachelor.
Then comes the part of the show where Heidi personifies the concept of stupid, spoiled, rich girl. L.C. and Heidi, who are apparently both slated to begin the fall term at FIDM's Los Angeles campus meet with a woman who appears to be some sort of advisor/guidance counselor/authority figure. Lauren comes off as bright, charming and articulate, especially when contrasted with Heidi, who despite her dark roots, proves she is not just legally blonde but legally retarded when she flippantly tells this counselor lady she "learned nothing" and "never went to class" in high school and really just wants to be a "PR Party Girl" as though she is absent mindedly rambling to a barely listening sorority sister. Oh. My. God. I never thought this was possible, but Heidi is so worthless and lame that by comparison, even Paris Hilton seems the very definition of intelligent, fascinating and ambitious.
Then, in a little Public Relations move of their own, Teen Vogue (Surprise!) offers Lauren an internship (could the free MTV publicity to millions of impressionable teens have been the deciding factor?) and in spite of my sometimes cynical and bitchy nature, I can't help but be happy for L.C.
The internship commences with a (probably edited) stare-down between Lauren and fellow new intern Whitney. Though I couldn't really blame L.C. (who was quite stylishly outfitted) for being a bit taken aback by Whitney's Jessica-Simpson-starring-in-the-movie-remake-of-Little-House-on-the-Prairie ensemble. My killer fashion sense was confirmed when Teen Vogue employee and frighteningly androgynous gender-bender Olivia appears, apparently for the sole purpose of providing a bitchy fashion critique of the girls before they are permitted to see Queen B (as in bitch) Lisa Love. The boss lady schools Lauren and Whitney on how in addition to devoting countless hours of their lives to the magazine for free, they are basically now property of Teen Vogue and must act in a way that represents the magazine classily, morally, and most importantly, fashionably, at all times. In other words, no sweat pants allowed! After a day of seeming idleness, the girls are given the heinous task of preparing 500 invitations for Teen Vogue's Hollywood issue party and are left to lick envelopes and likely suffer many paper cuts on their tongues working into the wee hours of the morning, all the while left to wonder if, as lowly interns, they are even going to be allowed to attend the fabulous soiree to be held at Hollywood celebrity hotspot the Roosevelt Hotel.
The next day Lauren and Whitney are informed by Lisa that they will in fact be attending the party, but to work (bold, capital, italics, underlined, exclamation point)! Whitney is assigned to work the door and L.C. is given the task of guarding the VIP area. Lisa makes it very clear to the interns that this is a working event and partying behavior of any kind will NOT be tolerated. The big night of the party arrives and Blaine, one of Lisa's ambiguously gay underlings at Teen Vogue, is explaining to Lauren (who is looking every inch the chic fashion ingénue) that she is not to let anybody sit in the VIP area until specifically instructed by him. Whitney and Lauren seem to be handling their duties practically and professionally, when Lauren's cell phone rings. Heidi, in a move that illustrates why she should really just be sacrificed and utilized as an organ donor, is out front of the party dressed to the hilt with her lame-ass boyfriend, Audrina, and another (or is it the same?) forgettable male tag-along. After a weak attempt to deter Heidi and her ilk from trying to crash the fete, Lauren asks Whitney if she can get them into the party. Whitney obliges and faster than a flash of the paparazzi, Heidi & Co. have invaded the VIP area. Proving that Heidi's stupidity is so potent that is actually both airborne and contagious, L.C. sits down with them against the explicit orders of the iron-fisted Lisa Love.
Making matters worse, Heidi and her boyfriend get into a dramatic spat (most likely fueled by the boredom of their pointless existences and the free-flowing Cristal), and cause a bit of a scene. It is so noticeable that Blaine even makes a comment to Lauren in response to which she provides a half-assed and unconvincing explanation. The camera cuts to Blaine as he appears to be tattling to Ice Queen Lisa Love who now has Lauren and her life-ruining "friends" locked in her frigid glare of death. Blaine comes over and tells L.C. et al that they need to vacate the VIP area now. Lisa then comes over and tells Lauren "We'll talk on Monday" in a voice so chilling and sinister it makes Hannibal Lecter sound like Dr. Seuss. The episode closes with a sad song playing as a sullen and deflated L.C. stands alone by the pool looking (and probably feeling) like Cinderella after the final stroke of midnight when the last shred of her façade of fabulousness has just completely disintegrated. Only it appears no Swavorski crystal encrusted Manolo Blahnik slipper or benevolent fairy godmother is going to save her from the wrath of Lisa Love who is exponentially bitchier and far more scary than any ten evil stepmothers combined.
The first episode of The Hills alone was packed with more drama and potential for conflict that both seasons of Laguna Beach put together, and the season has just begun. Stay tuned to see how L.C. deals as she learns that while Los Angeles may be the new city, bitchy is definitely the new black.
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