Lauren and Jason, Take Two

picture from MTV.com

The episode opens with a hiccup-afflicted Lauren asking Heidi if she knows a cure for her condition. In a classic "Heidism" our resident girl genius suggests "drinking water upside down and putting a pencil in your mouth". While Lauren ponders this possiblity there is a sudden knock on the door. Heidi answers the door only to be greeted by what is quite possibly the largest and ugliest flower arrangement to be shown on television...ever. It has some sort of pink blossoms and lots of leaves with large twiggy branches protruding from all angles and quite frankly seems to be a bit of a hazard. It's only a matter of time before a drunken Heidi stumbles home from the club scene one night and impales herself. The card reveals the flowers to be from an apprently lovesick (or fame hungry) Jason who is missing the girl who in my humble opinion has always been way too good/smart/pretty for him. When Heidi asks "Do you miss him?" Lauren replies only with a contemplative stare.

Later at the Teen Vogue office, Lauren and Whitney are interning away in their shared office when the topic turns to boy talk. Lauren tells Whitney about Jason's sudden reappearance in her life and fills her in on the backstory of their break-up. Though Whitney's expression at Jason's infidelity is worth a thousand words (and all of them are negative), she tries to be supportive of Lauren and it becomes pretty obvious that Miss Conrad is still clearly (and mysteriously) enamored with the scuzzy, fuzzy wonder that is Jason Wahler.

Meanwhile over at Bolthouse, Heidi is bombarded by Brent (who is looking uncharcteristically hot with a sexily dishevled new do' and some Rivers Cuomo style glasses) and his underlings with a wide array of menial tasks. In Bolthouse's "sink or swim" working environment, Heidi seems to be going down faster than if she had been outfitted with a pair of cement Jimmy Choos personally designed by Tony Soprano himself.

Back from her internship, Lauren returns to her apartment to find another message from Jason, this time inviting her to dinner. It is clear from her subsequent pre-date flurry of activity (make-up, wardrobe, etc.) she has accepted his invitation, though her expression looks more like she is preparing to go to a funeral than on a date. Jason shows up for the date at fab West L.A. restaurant Pan E Vino looking like he just rolled out of the gutters of Venice. I would not be the least bit surprised to find out he was shacking up in an abandoned fish shanti with a crack whore and a glue sniffer. Fucking shave! Or at least invest in a beard trimmer. As in all scenes with Jason there is a long and awkward silence during which Jason stupidly stares at Lauren before she finally asks him "Why did you call me?" Evidently still suffering from the verbal constipation that plauged him during the Laguna Beach days, Jason mumbles through a half-assed explanation that concludes with the epiphany "I don't know what I was thinking". I don't blame you Jason, I'm sure it is difficult to remember what you were thinking when you have the mental capacity of a seahorse. He ends the conversation by suggesting to Lauren that since they are in a new city, perhaps it is time to give their relationship a "fresh" start.

The next day at Bolthouse Heidi gets invited to her first staff meeting and can barely contain her excitement as Brent gives lays out the glam details of a fabulous bash their firm is throwing at The Palms in Vegas the coming weekend. Heidi, so estatic at her chance to cash in on her first real "perk" of working in PR that she is just about to spontaneously combust when Brent instantly deflates her by saying "We'd bring you Heidi, but you're not 21, sorry" with all the empathy and kindness of Lisa Love, which is zilch. Ouch! Even I (who if you have been reading this blog know am NOT Heidi's biggest fan) felt a little bit sorry for her in the face of such cruel and crushing disappointment.

Over at Teen Vogue Jason, now in a state of full-on Teen Wolf unkemptness, shows up to surprise Lauren with more flowers. Lauren introduces him to Whitney, who teasingly says "I want flowers" to which Jason responds "you're up next". Red flag! Given Jason's track record, I almost expect Lauren to show up to work to find Jason mauling Whitney and Lisa Love in the Teen Vogue accessory closet in some future episode. Jason takes Lauren to lunch where he describes his food as "gnarly"...seriously? Then he and Lauren engage in an unbelievably lame conversation about fishing and boats before J.Wahl picks up the tab with his daddy's credit card and takes Lauren back to her office.

Back at Bolthouse Heidi is holding court with another bathroom boo hoo-ing session, whining to her co-worker Elodie (who names these people?) about how disappointed she is with her job. Elodie tries to explain to poor, clueless Heidi the concept of paying dues, but I got the feeling her words were forever lost in the big, blank blackhole that is Heidi's brain.

After Lauren returns from lunch with Jason, Whitney asks her what's going on with them and it is clear Lauren is finding it difficult to deny to herself that she still has major feelings for Jason. Later at Hillside Villas, Lauren and Heidi are lounging poolside discussing the Jason dilemma. Heidi, in a rare and shocking moment of clarity, expresses her leeriness of Jason and his motives and wisely advises her BFF to be careful, though it seems Lauren has already made up her mind to welcome her scoundrel of an ex back into her life with open arms. (OMG-did I just write Heidi and the word "wise" in the same sentence? The apocalypse must be near).

The next day at Bolthouse, Heidi's "dream job" is fast evolving into an utter nightmare as she finds herself trapped in the position of office piss ant/ personal waitress to Brent Bolthouse. And the half-witted Heidi can't even get that right. After fetching the boss's lunch, Heidi is forced to go out a second time after forgetting his special "green drink thing". She calls her boyfriend Jordan to complain and tell him she is going to quit, a decision I suspect he supports since he has been urging her to do just that since her second day on the job.

As the episode comes to a close, Jason takes Lauren on a movie date at the Arclight theater in Hollywood. Per usual, Jason doesn't say much, he just sits there smirking smarmily and occassionaly dazzling Lauren with his razor sharp wit and obsessive use of the word "gnarly". (Speaking of razors, can someone please get Jason one before he beard burns Lauren's pretty, porcelain doll face into oblivion?) As they drive back to Lauren's apartment in Jason's Range Rover (wtf!?!) a piano ballad comes in to set the mood. Jason gets out of the car to give Lauren a good night hug and I know she has lost the tug-of-war with her heart . It's kind of like seeing an accident about to happen in slow motion and not being able to do anything to stop it. Jason goes in for the kiss and it's over. Nooooooooooooooooo!!! In an instant, all my hopes that Lauren would somehow end up with boyishly charming high school crush Stephen Coletti or at least a well grommed metrosexual from Teen Vogue are obliterated by Jason's sloppy frenching...boo! But I guess that's the trouble with "reality" TV, when the people are real and the drama is at least based in truth, you don't always get the Ross and Rachael ending.

Tune in next week as the drama heats up when Lauren is booked to be the assistant for a big Teen Vogue photo shoot on Jason's birthday and Audrina starts to phunk with Brian's heart.

Music Featured in Episode 4: Kaci Brown