Jason's Birthday

picture from MTV.com

The episode begins with Lauren and Heidi golf club shopping for Jason's impending birthday. The girls seem as out of place and clueless as two NFL players in a day spa as they judge the golf clubs based on their names (without any actual knowledge of the brand) and "prettiness". True to form, Heidi wonders if the bag is included. No sweeite, it's not like a happy meal, the bag does not come with.

Later at the Teen Vogue office, Lauren and co-intern Whitney are engrossed in a conversation regarding the addictive properties of jeans, when the conversation turns to the coming week's work schedule. Lauren is quite apprehensive about having to work on her beloved chia pet/boyfriend Jason's birthday. As if on cue, (well played MTV!) Lisa Love materializes with fashion director Gloria and ask her interns about their schedules. Since Whitney has a class that Wednesday (the anniversary of the day Jason burst out of his mother's womb to disgrace the earth with his presence, most likely sporting peach fuzz-like facial growth even back then) Lauren is assigned to assist with the shoot. Though it seems a great opportunity that the average intern would kill for, Lauren barely conceals her annoyance at having to work on her beau's b-day. But as I like to say (and as Lisa Love probably has) tough titties! When you've been given one of the most competitive internships in the fashion industry there are going to be some sacrifices!

Over at Hillside Villas, brainiacs Heidi and Audrina are chilling in the spa and having one of their, as always enlightening and deeply intellectual conversations. Excuse me waiter, yes, I'll have an order of the stupid stew please. My eyes start to glaze as the two chat about Audrina's upcoming date with new fool on the block Dan and discuss what went down with that burning hunk of ug Brian on their date when I'm suddenly shocked out of my stupor by Heidi's use (and correct one at that) of the word "vicariously"! Holy shit, talk about a verbal bitch slap! That girl's IQ has seemed to increase exponentially over the past couple of episodes. Is it possible that Jason's arrival in Los Angeles has acted as a sort of stupidity sponge absorbing all idiocy within a 20-mile radius thus improving the mental function of everyone around him? Next thing you know, they'll be throwing a going away party for Audrina as she heads to Harvard to pursue an advanced degree in microbiology.

The next scene cuts to Lauren relaxing at her apartment when Jason comes in looking as hairy and unruly as a feminist nudist colony and esconces her is his Yetti-like embrace. Lauren reluctantly drops the bomb about having to work on his birthday. Jason says it's OK and then proceeds to sulk, in a manner not unlike one of those spoiled ass bitches from My Super Sweet Sixteen whose birthday has just been totally ruined when their father bought her an S-class Mercedes convertible in navy blue instead cobalt.

Over at Audrina's apartment, her date "Dan the Man", who in all truth is really more a hideous genetic mutation of Ryan Seacrest's personality trapped in the body of a teenage-ish boy who would have auditioned for Avrile Lavigne's "Sk8tr Boi" video. On the way to the car Dan asks Audrina how her days was and then snidely says, "Oh, I apolgize, you work" as if there was no worse fate in hell or on earth that could befall her. We soon find out Dan is just another one of the millions of model/actor/waiters infesting the Los Angeles area and he quickly proves to himself to be more of a tool than a Craftsman 5,000 power saw. Before they can even order their drinks Dan starts giving Audrina his dissertation on the magic of "fake tits". Seconds later, the self-absorbed Dan claims to call his machine and after listening to the silcence for what I presume he believes to be a reasonable length of time, he snaps his phone shut and confidently says "my agent" knowingly to Audrina with a big, cheesy grin. Every second of the date he is totally overacting, clearly viewing his date with Audrina as some sort of audition for his own MTV spin-off. Like anyone would watch that show. Maybe he'd be good fodder for an episode of Next, but otherwise Dan should give it up and return to the farm in Ohio and start shucking some corn. Thankfully, Heidi calls to interrupt Dan's one-man show and ask how it's going. Using food as the metaphor to describe her date, Audrina, quite appropriately tell's Heidi "it's a little greasy" and plans to meet up with Heidi and the gang later on.

Over at Bella restaurant, Heidi, Jordan, Jason, and Lauren are all dining. Heidi is dishing on Audrina's date with Dan and warns everyone not to say anything in front of Brian would will be ariving imminently. Per usual Heidi behavior, she then sompletely contradicts herself by asking Audrina "How was it?" the second she walks in the door. Audrina rehashes the details of the date as poor Brian sits there awkwardly held captive audience as his crush goes on about another guy. Fortunately she didn't seem too impressed and after being exposed to the horror of Dan, even Brian is starting to look like Prince Fucking Charming. Brian quickly changes the subjecting by toasting to Jason's birthday and after a one episode, hiatus, The Hills reverts to its usual tradition of cutting to commerical with the familiar chord from "Don't Phunk With My Heart".

Jason's birthday arrives and Lauren shows up at the Teen Vogue fashion shoot looking ab fab in a black top, cropped jeans and some killer heels. Jane, the magazine's fashion editor busies Lauren with categorizing and laying out the shoes and steaming some clothes that will be used for the shoot. Blaine, looking very straight and very sexy and being (gasp!) nice, asks Lauren aobut the golf clubs and her plans for Jason's birthday. She tells them about their dinner plans and appears a little stressed about being able to keep them.

Since, with the exception of Brent Bolthouse, apparently none of the guys on The Hills have jobs, classes or ambition of any kind, Jason, Jordan, and Brian are spending the day golfing. When they arrive at the golf course, Jason opens the back of his Range Rover and finds a brand new set of golf clubs. In an act of stupidity that surprised even me, Jason asks Jordan if the golf clubs are from him. Get out Lauren! Run now, please! I beg you not to marry and have mentally incompetent werewolf babies with this vapid, witless furball! When Jordan confirms the golf clubs are not in fact from him, Jason quickly (and amazingly) deduces they must be from Lauren. His face lights up like a pouting mistress who has just been given a $3,000 Fendi bag by her rich, married lover to make up for the fact that he could not be with her on Christmas Day. Jason immediately calls Lauren to thank her for his gift. As they conclude the phone call she ssys "I love you" but evidently, Jason is in too much a state of golf club-induced euphoria to return the sentiment.

Back at the photo shoot, Lauren is doing her job but is clearly distracted by her anxiety related to Jason's birthday, especially when she finds out the shoot will run until 6:00 p.m. When "quitting" time finally rolls around, Jane tells Lauren the last shot is going to be at the beach and asks her if she wants to come along. Lauren asks if she has to and Jane plainly tells her '"You don't have to be there if you don't care". Translation "If you don't go, I will tell Lisa Love and you will be excommunicated from the Vogue family and then drawn and quartered, but I'm not going to force you at gun point". Lauren makes the unwise (yet kind of understandable) decision to take off and we are once again out to commerical to the tune of "Don't Phunk With My Heart".

After Lauren has gone home and changed Jason, clearly trying to emulate The Strokes' style but looking much more like Don Johnson circa Miami Vice, picks her up for his birthday dinner and they have a mushy exchange of "I missed you"s. Then Jason proceeds to show his gratitude for everything Lauren has done for his birthday by laying a guilt trip worthy of a Jewish grandmother on her for not spending the day with him. As they near the resturant, he goes full-blown martyr telling Lauren "you can take my car if you don't want to go out afterwards". Maybe Lauren should have gotten him a crucifix for his birthday, so he can stand up on it whenever he is feeling unappreciated or unloved. I swear, that boy is more high-maintenance than frizzy hair in 97-percent humidity.

The boring birthday dinner is punctuated by a lame toast by Brian and buzz over Audrina's illustrious career as a Hooters girl. Out of nowhere, Jason gets up and inexplicably leaves for several minutes. When he reappears, he sits practically as far away from Lauren as possible and then starts openly flirting with some random chick at the end of the table. A hushed, uncomfortable silence falls across the table as Heidi and Audrina look both shocked and livid at Jason's atrocious behavior towards their friend. A few minutes later Jason rudely says he's going to "get yelled at" and comes back over to a none too pleased Lauren and tries to make nice as if he WASN'T just being the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. Irritiated, (and rightfully so) Lauren tells him she isn't going to go out after all. On the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, Jason asks Lauren why she is mad at him (is he really that stupid or is it all just a facade that enables him to behave like a complete jackass at all times?) Lauren (admirably trying to be the bigger person) tells the seemingly sauced (or stoned?) Jason she doesn't want to fight with him on his birthday. Somehow offended by this, Jason storms off down the sidewalk leaving Heidi and Lauren with thier mouths dropped in awe. Lauren needs to drop-kick his sorry ass right back to the gutters of Venice where he belongs!

Stay tuned next week as Heidi and Jordan exhibit some not-so-model relationship behavior and Whitney takes a crack at the catwalk.

Music Featured in Episode 5: Samantha Ronson